Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985)
By: Devon B. on September 27, 2006  |  Comments ()  |  Bookmark and Share
Analog Man can not live on DVD and Blu-ray alone. In this ongoing column we blow the dust off our VCR's and travel back to an ancient time where VHS tapes ruled the earth. Our mission? To re-discover those forgotten gems that are yet to receive the digitally enhanced 7.1 channel surround sound treatment...

Directors: Michael Stanley
Starring: Robert Nolfi, Julia Rust, Robert Lengyel, Lisa Pak
Screenplay: Robert A. Hutton
Duration: 104 minutes Country: USA
If you ever got a laugh out of the Zuni fetish doll in Trilogy of Terror, then Attack of the Beast Creatures will probably be the hilarious rival to Monty Python for you. There's not one, not two, not three, but an ISLAND full of nasty dolls, with nary a fully articulated joint among them.

A boat wrecks at sea, but one lifeboat gets away, with, unfortunately, not a single thespian aboard. The survivors find some land ahoe, but are still worse off than the crew of the Minnow. One of them, not looking so chipper after the trip, is left on the beach while the others scout the area. Things get perilous when one of the survivors melts his face in a seemingly safe stream actually made of something able to melt a guy's face. Some of the other survivors return to the beach where they left the unchipper guy, only to find that his flesh has been completely eaten away and now he's doing an impression of He-Man's archrival, Skeletor. A bit worried about their predicament, the survivors set up camp, but at night are set on by a pack of low budget dolls.

These dolls RULE. They are mostly immobile, at times looking like Kewpie dolls, but they run like animatronic Hungry Jacks wind up toys. Their arms pump back and forth, but they're not seen from the waist down so it looks like they're being dragged along. In a just world, Hungry Jacks would've licensed the beast creatures. Think how cool that would be!

The dolls aren't the only low production value. Half the cast is made up of genuinely untalented male performers. The women seem to be better at acting, but their characters are more annoying. Inept scripting abounds, like when a vet claims he should be able to recognize virtually any animal bite. I don't think vet school has a course called "Every Possible Bite Shape from all Known Animals". But maybe. Character development is abysmal, especially in a very forced speech about a crewman not wanting to be lonely at sea anymore. Perhaps the funniest drivel begins with a man saying he didn't get to know the obligatory old grouch on the ship. Turns out that the grouch's wife is crippled, and they're hoping to find a solution to her ailment. Now, the wife isn't there, maybe she wasn't even aboard the ship, but it doesn't seem like that, and the first guy says, "Hope things work out for you." How will things work out if she's gurgling fluid at the bottom of the ocean? Not every gaffe is the fault of the script, though. Flubbed lines are more abundant than the sea the people crossed to reach the island, and the cast seem to add unnecessary dialog to scenes.

Not that any of that is the slightest bit important. This movie has scenes of guys being taken down by completely rigid dolls! That rocks!

Watch for the most convincing delivery of the line, "My Leg! Oooo!" ever.
Movie Score
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