The Bride of Trash (2005)
By: Markus Zussner on April 7, 2006  |  Comments ()  |  Share 
Author: Mike Segretto
Publisher: Contemporary Press
Pages: 171
You know what they say, one fella's trash is another fella's treasure, and Mike Segretto's Bride of Trash is no exception. It's about trash, garbage and eternal undying love and most of all, it's all about me, Wizzer Whale, The Junk Wiz! Maybe you seen my TV commercial? Maybe not. Well After the loss of my dear wife Elsa, the old Wizzer starts a new life in a new town as The Junk Wiz; a new junkyard business that the old Wizzer runs from the front yard of the house. Together with my dear pal Buggy Casserole, a toy Harlequin that I'd rescued from an insect and puke infested pile of garbage, life is just gettin' dandy for Wizzer Whale. Days go by sittin on the couch gettin' drunk with Buggy, watchin our favourite shows on the boobtube, maybe gettin some black and white titty to fill up that little black and white screen. One day I waz sittin on my couch lookin at those black and white titty s on my little TV, unzippin my pants and gettin' ready to play with my pecker, when I was rudely interrupted. Talk about bad timin'. A strange lookin' fella callin' hisself Boris Morgan, a trader of antiquities or so he's tellin' me, comes a knockin on the front door of the Wizzer. He's a offerrin' treasures and artifacts which he has acquired from all corners of the globe. What catches the old Wizzer's eye is a strange artifact which Boris calls the "Scarab of Am-es-Anckon" discovered in the Tomb of the great Egyptian ruler belonging to who else but Queen Am-es-Anckon! Good ol' Wizzer acquires this Scarab amulet by swappin' an antique picture frame for it. Man, what a deal!

Well as the days go by the Wizzer starts comtemplatin his new direction in life and realises ol' Wizz is gettin' kinda lonely. One night some strange noises are commin' from the front yard so I goes out to investigate the noise and whataya know ol' Wizzer discovers a naked female corpse lying amongst the mountains of junk. Despite the corpse lackin a head and smellin' kinda ripe, she still was lookin' mighty fine to me, that's fer sure. Afraid that, that nosey old Landlady Mrs. O'Connor will be callin' the cops and pinin' this murder on poor old Wizzer, after all that old bat has no love for me that's for sure, so I decides to take matters into my own hands. When lady luck is presentin' me an opportunity like this, what else could the ol' Wizzer do but, bag her, drag her and shag her. Passin her off as a large dead dog I drag her into the house right in front of the prying eyes of that nosey old Mrs. O'Connor.

So begins a caring and meaningful relationship with Wizzers new headless and lifeless companion, which I's affectionately named Elsa 2 after my ex-wife. From here Wizzers life just keeps gettin' more weird. After installing a mannequin head resembling Jacquelyn Smith from Charlie s Angels, I pledges my undying love for Elsa 2 and place the Scarab of Am-es-Anckon around her neck. Me and Elsa 2 both settle on the couch for the night and enjoy a screening of Creature from Monster Lake on Boob Tube. Later on that night when the Wiz was fast asleep catchin' some Z's and dreamin of Elsa, that Scarab around her neck reanimates her lifeless corpse. Old lady luck is shinin' on the Wizzer I tell you. Now I have me a a real living animated girlfriend, even if she ain't got no head and smells real bad and I gotta spray her with lemon scented chemicals all the time. Wizzer would like nothin' better than to live happily ever after in love and not be harassed, but the damn writer of this book, Mike Segretto, just won't let old Wizzer Whale be. Just as Wizzer is about to be enjoyin' a quiet romantic and profitable life in the arms of his Elsa 2, an assortment of strange and crazy characters start a knockin' on the front door like flies on a turd makin' wizzer whales new life a living hell. There's this annoyin' Skeeter kid from across the road, who continuously taunts the Wizzer with name callin' and door knockin' dares. Then there s Rock Thrasher, an asshole passin' hisself off as a local TV reporter lookin' for the scoop from hell. Finally to boot, a vicious Mobster named Chick with trainee mobster Babe Jenson in tow turns up looking for his headless Wife. Go figure. Fate is slowly trapping the Wiz into a sticky corner of the room like a fly on a fly swatter. Just when things are goin' all wrong for Wizzer, along comes Lon Phroso's Mysterioso Carnival and Pantomime. Could the mysterious traveling Carnival be Wizzers ticket outta this mess? Well I'm not gonna tell ya. If you wanna find out, read the damn book yesself!!

And so I did. I really enjoyed The Bride of Trash. Although the book is in no way a fright fest, it is very very funny. Essentially it is a comedy finely dressed with horror sprinkles. The Author Mike Segretto (Dead Dog) concentrates more on the dark humor of the story rather than on the horror aspect. There are some memorable moments of dark humor brilliance that had me rolling along the floor spitting out my stomach contents through my nose. Each humorous moment in the book acts like a JATO assist rocket that keeps propelling the story toward its final conclusion, making this book a real fun ride. In particular a chapter involving Wizzers outing to the local porno theatre is absolutely hysterical. Although the book is gory overall, the kills described are not explicit in detail so don't expect to be shocked or titillated by any of the death scenes. The sexually perverse moments in the book are dealt wickedly with humor, which takes the edge off the moment letting you chuckle sickly through it rather than freaking you out.

This 171 page of pulp horror is a hilariously sick, twisted and perverse piece of filthy trash. A nightmare yarn about garbage, undying love, faith, commitment, necrophilia and sexual perversions and to me The Bride of Trash is a treasure of a book.
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