My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)
By: Devon B. on February 12, 2009  |  Comments ()  |  Bookmark and Share
Director: Patrick Lussier
Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Betsy Rue, Tom Atkins, Kevin Tighe
Writers: Todd Farmer, Zane Smith
Country: USA
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I thought the remake trend had gotten bad when 70s TV shows were becoming big budget films, but remakes of 80s slashes flicks must mean Hollywood has totally run out of ideas. While I can kind of accept a new Friday the 13th as just another extension in the series, I find a remake of My Bloody Valentine just bizarre. It definitely would have been in my to miss list, except it had a gimmick…

The film begins with a premise familiar to anyone that's seen the original: A group of miners get trapped in a collapse. In this case, the collapse was caused by the mine owner's son not being careful enough while on the job. The only surviving miner survives by killing the others to conserve oxygen, but still goes into a coma. He awakens and goes on a rampage in the hospital, then returns to the mine and crashes a party that's taking place on Valentine's Day. The killing continues, but he's interrupted before he can pickaxe the owner's son. Cut to 10 years later, and the owner's son has returned to town after a decade long absence. He's back because his father's croaked, and he's going to sell the mine, which is a hugely unpopular move with everyone in the town. However, his return also heralds the return of the miner, who begins making his way through a new group of victims. The son naturally assumes the miner still wants his dish of revenge, even if it's ten years cold.

I readily admit I've got a weakness for 80s slashers, and I'm not really against them being remade as long as the remake brings about a decent movie. For sure a good, original movie would be better, but how original were any of the 80s slashers to begin with? There's a part of me just thrilled to see an old fashioned splatterflick on the big screen, but something's not right with this new Valentine. 80s slashers were often funny, sometimes intentionally, but often by accident. This humour aspect helps keep me engaged when the killer isn't reddening up the screen. This My Bloody Valentine takes itself way too seriously for a movie about a dude running around picking people off, and it's too competent to really laugh at, except for some of the actors. A lot of the males in this movie seem to be doing bad impressions of Keanu Reeves acting macho. The novelty of this wears off pretty quickly, and really begins to grate by the time the credits roll.

Plot holes are to be expected, and the ending is annoying, but at least it's not a total head scratcher like the original's was in the theatrical cut. The storyline is varied a bit from the original, but I doubt anyone's going to care because neither is exactly Oscar material. There're some nice nods to the original film like a re-imagining of the Laundromat sequence. Unfortunately, the storyline is really flat when the killer's not around, and that was even while watching it in 3-D. Speaking of which…

Fuck the plot, it's 3-D bloodshed! The original film was butchered by the MPAA for its theatrical release, but thank goodness we now live in a time when uncut carnage can not just cover the screen, it can fly off it at you. I'm too young to have caught things like Friday the 13th 3-D, and have really only seen 3-D at amusement parks, but the 3-D of My Bloody Valentine isn't as deep as some of the other movies I've seen. It's usually more like looking through a window than feeling like you're submerged in the action. However, there are certainly some moments where things come at you, and I feel a more complete person having finally seen a 3-D staging of that slasher classic: Naked girl runs from killer. In the standard version, I'm sure the multiple shots of the killer pointing the pickaxe at the audience will become tedious, as will the standard "comin' at ya!" moments one would expect from a 3-D film. I was certainly only present to see the gore in 3-D, and I was not disappointed. Even the 3-D couldn't hide some of the shoddy CG work, but mostly the 3-D masked the CG, and usually made the kills highly entertaining. Most of the actual gore is stuff I've seen before, with only one of the kills inventive enough to stand out in a 2-D setting, but the 3-D made every effect interesting, even if it was just to gauge how far out something was sticking.

I would never revisit this in 2-D, and the scariest thing about my day with the film was the trip home on the M1, but if you can see it in 3-D check it out. If this goes over well, maybe we'll get a new shark movie in 3-D! I'm assuming My Bloody Valentine would warrant a one or even two point drop from the score in 2-D, but I don't plan on finding out.
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