My Step-Dad's a Freakin' Vampire (2009)
By: Devon B. on April 1, 2012  | 
Level 33 (USA) | All Regions, NTSC | 2.35:1 (16:9 enhanced) | English Dolby Digital 2.0 | 84 minutes (Full Specs)
The Movie
Cover Art
Director: David Matheny
Starring: M.A. Alford, Lahcen Anajjar, Kris Barrero, Kate Forristall, Anita Cordell
Screenplay: Kyle Mangrum
Country: USA
External Links
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My Stepdad's a Freakin' Vampire! has given me a new way to spot a bad movie just by the cover. It's not the pun tagline or the atrocious cover art, because I'd learned those warning signs long ago. It's not even the use of the word "freakin'" in the title, though it could be argued that is another clear indicator of a lack of quality. No, the thing that made me really worried about how I was about to spend the next 80 or so minutes of my life was the fact the DVD slick had no synopsis. I've seen a lot of movies that I would've described as virtually plotless, but never before have I found a movie with so little story that the manufacturer couldn't even write something up trying to hype the film.

Following in the wake of trailblazing possessively titled winners like My Mom's a Werewolf, My Stepmother is an Alien and My Best Friend's Wedding, My Stepdad's a Freakin' Vampire! gets off to a lacklustre start and never improves. Domestic life has been a bit strained for our hero since his mother wed his stepfather. The mother is going away for awhile so hopes the two men in her life will use the opportunity to bond. Too bad for her that her son's a douche and her new husband is someone that would view a used douche as a handy snack. The son finds a dead body in the attic, but when the police arrive the body is gone. The son tries to work out what's going on and finds out that his stepdad is a freakin' vampire. Indeed.

My Stepdad's a Freakin' Vampire! clearly wasn't made for much money, so I'm inclined to be nicer to it than a movie with an actual budget, but the film is so atrocious I have nothing nice I can say about it other than some of the stepfather's minion's makeup is decent. To get to them, you have to sit through what seems like nine hours of people with tacky fangs and a bunch of scenes that feel like there should be a joke in them somewhere but you can't figure out where it is. I've never made it through a full episode of Two and a Half Men, but whenever it's briefly on I get befuddled as I listen for the punchline and there never is one. Watching My Stepdad's a Freakin' Vampire! was the same sort of experience except it just kept going and going and I couldn't change the channel because DVD players don't work like that.

There is nothing that makes this movie worth sitting through. Given its title it's clearly meant to be a comedy, but it lacks even the simplest of wit. With no humour as a distraction, the viewer can't help but notice the film's many shortcomings like the inconsistencies in the vampire rules, forced exposition, old high schoolers, atrocious acting and the fact that vampires seem to be able to be stopped by tapping them with a rubbish bin.

My Stepdad's a Freakin' Vampire! isn't the worst movie I've ever seen, but it's not far off.
The movie looks as cheap as it is. Video haze is present, there's trailing and the image lacks focus.
The audio is a 2.0 mix which has synch issues. It sounds like almost the whole movie was ADRed, making the movie seem like a poorly dubbed foreign film.
Extra Features
Trailers for AAAH! ZOMBIES!!, Dance Fu, and Scouts Honor play at start up. Extras you can choose from include My Stepdad's a Freakin' Vampire!'s trailer; bloopers which show those involved clearly thought they were making a funny movie; and an audio commentary featuring, and they really pulled out the big guns here, the film's composer. If you want to know more about the music, you're in luck! The dude actually does give a few relevant, non-music related details, but understandably this track has gaps. It wasn't as bad as I feared, but I had to wonder why only the composer would be available for a commentary.
The Verdict
I've taken one for the team here; I suffered through this travesty so no one else should have to. It's tepid as a horror movie, confusing as a comedy and even worse as a combo of the two genres. Did I mention that the manufacturer couldn't be fucked to write a synopsis?
Movie Score
Disc Score
Overall Score

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