Bikini Girls on Ice (2009)
By: Julian on September 22, 2011  | 
Monster Pictures | All Regions, PAL | 1.78:1 (16:9 enhanced) | English DD 5.1 | 81 minutes (Full Specs)
The Movie
Cover Art
Director: Geoff Klein
Starring: Cindel Chartrand, Danielle Doetsch, William Jarand, Suzi Lorraine, Christina Sciortino
Screenplay: Geoff Klein, Jeff Ross
Country: Canada
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It is hard to resist a slasher film whose tagline proclaims that 'these girls are so hot, a maniac killer wants to put them on ice!' The simple premise, embodied in the tagline and, rather more concisely, the film's title, gives the immediate impression that Bikini Girls on Ice is actually lampooning the slasher genre. Alas, this isn't a parody, but it's not played entirely straight, either. Bikini Girls on Ice isn't a particularly good film, and if it were a serious picture, it would be nigh on unbearable – its vague sense of self-deprecation saves it from being a complete turkey.

As far as a synopsis goes, there's not that much depth into which I can go: a group of young college girls organise a charity car wash, bizarrely located on the side of a backwoods road. The bus set to take them home breaks down, and the girls decamp to a nearby service station to phone home. Needless to say, they do not seek more modest attire before doing so. Enter our antagonist, a psycho axe murderer, who despatches our vacuous heroines one by one, and stores them in a large ice box he has handy. By the way, the title is meant to be interpreted extremely literally.

Bikini Girls on Ice is co-writer/director Geoff Klein's first feature, and there can be little doubt that it has been made on a negligible budget. I suspect that not a great deal of that negligible budget was spent on the performers – they are all woeful – or the sub-standard special effects. I'll also opine that not a lot of the budget was expended on the screenplay. This is almost pervasively formulaic. It contains not a shred of originality (unless you count screenwriters Klein and Jeff Ross' decision to have their leading ladies wear even fewer clothes than what is considered acceptable) and plays as a pedestrian made-for-television effort. A slender budget is not something that an independent horror film can normally help; what makes some independent horror films great is the inventiveness of their creators. There is none of that inventiveness on display here.

I'll add a qualifier to these negative comments: aside from the acting, no element of Bikini Girls on Ice, of itself, is awful. But exploitation films – indeed, all films – are meant to be engaging, they're meant to be interesting, they're meant to be fun. All of those things are present in Bikini Girls on Ice to the extent that they are present in that four word premise. Once that appeal evaporates, there's nothing here to hold the viewer's attention. Bikini Girls on Ice isn't awful, but it's boring, and that, as I've stressed in other reviews of mine, is the cardinal sin that a low-budget exploitation flick can commit.
Presented in a 1.78:1 aspect ratio the film has been shot digitally, which is the medium of choice for indie slashers, and, like most movies shot digitally, it looks cheap and nasty.
The English Dolby 5.1 track is crisp and clear for the most part. without much use of the surround speakers.
Extra Features
An audio commentary by Klein, bloopers and deleted scenes, and a very brief behind-the-scenes featurette (3 minutes) are included.
The Verdict
You can do better. Bikini Girls on Ice isn't a terrible film, but it riffs so heavily on every significant slasher picture you care to think of that you might as well be watching one of the classics. The film is slow to start, and the appeal of the four-word premise disappears somewhere between the first belated kill and the second.
Movie Score
Disc Score
Overall Score

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