I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990)
By: David Michael Brown on August 23, 2010  | 
Salvation | All Regions, NTSC | 1.85:1 (16:9 enhanced) | English DD 2.0 | 101 minutes (Full Specs)
The Movie
Cover Art
Director: Dirk Campbell
Starring: Anthony Daniels, Neil Morrissey, Michael Elphick, Andrew Powell
Screenplay: Mycal Miller, John Wolskel
Country: UK
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When you watch any film with "Vampire Motorcycle" in the title you know you are in for a very silly ride. The moment the bike of the title is possessed with the murdered soul of a dead Satanist biker - all your suspicions will be answered.

Back in '80s the British horror film was not in a fit state. The glory days of Hammer were long gone and the likes of Pete Walker and Norman J. Warren had vanished. The horror output of the once great cinematic nation had fizzled to next to nothing. For every classic An American Werewolf in London or Hellraiser, the UK had to deal with the likes of Dream Demon and Rawhead Rex. So when I Brought a Vampire Motorcycle was released in 1990 it was greeted with much fan fanfare, so desperate was the horror community for some home-grown horror product.

I Brought a Vampire Motorcycle is most certainly a very British affair. Not surprising as it was made during shooting breaks of a hugely successful British television comedy drama Boon. That show starred Michael Elphick - Jimmy the Mod's Dad from Quadrophenia - and Neil Morrissey, both who feature in this film. I Brought a Vampire Motorcycle was written by the shows scribes and using many of the shows moonlighting crew and borrowed equipment, they shot the film whenever Boon was not in front of the cameras. Apart from its more salacious moments, the film does play like a cheap 90s television show. The Acting in particular is amateur at best.

The film tells the story of Noddy, played by Morrissey, a biker who buys a new Norton Commando behind his girlfriends back. Tinkering in his garage he soon discovers that his new bike runs better on blood than unleaded and is murdering the Hell's Angels who caused its vehicular torment. Soon Noddy is battling bikers and blood thirsty bikes with the aid of a leather clad priest played by C3PO himself, Anthony Daniels.

The bike effects reminded this reviewer of the Headless biker episode of Kolchak the Night Stalker. The film is gory in an early Peter Jackson style and the splattery effects, much like the films storyline, are played for laughs. The bike eats flesh and dismembers and decapitates its victims. In one cinematic first actor Daniel peacock is turned into a surreal, rubbery talking turd. What more could you want from a horror comedy than that?
I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle has probably never looked better but still shows its cheap origins with a grainy image and washed out palate. The blood reds and lighting look vibrant, despite the other misgivings.
The pub rock soundtrack sounds clear and punchy. The surround is adequate at best but it's nice to hear the clinking pint glasses in the background.
Extra Features
We Made a Vampire Motorcycle Featurette talks to many of the cast and crew who gleefully describe how they subverted ITV television funds for their own horrific means. Alas the The Vampire's Lair Extra, Movie Extra and Off Air Clips did not work on the preview disc. The Trailer, a stills and video art gallery and a splattering of Redemption Trailers complete the picture.
The Verdict
Movie Score
Disc Score
Overall Score
Cheap and cheerful on every level, I Brought a Vampire Motorcycle is full of bargain basement gore, cheeky cockney thrills and bikers galore. If you're a fan of classic bikes you'll cringe at the vehicular abuse but there is plenty to enjoy. If Troma made a remake of Stone starring Zoltan: Hound of Dracula this would be it! Forget the simpering tween vampires of Twilight, rev up your engines and buy a vampire motorcycle.

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