Orlok The Vampire 3D (1922)
By: Captain Red Eye on May 25, 2010  | 
Cheezy Flicks | All Regions, NTSC | 4:3 | English DD 2.0 | 83 minutes (Full Specs)
The Movie
Cover Art
Director: F.W. Murnau
Starring: Max Schreck
Screenplay: Henrik Galeen
Country: Germany
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Upon first glance I had my doubts as to whether the folks at Quality Cheese productions were treating F.W. Murnau's 1922 masterpiece of silent cinema with the requisite respect.

For one thing they've changed the title, ostensibly to distance this fancified release from the numerous 2D editions currently available. More worryingly however there's nothing cheesy about Nosferatu, it's a classic by anyone's definition, and the company's ethos has been laid out thusly: 'Cheezy Flicks was created expressly for the promotion of a specific genre of movies – cheezy flicks. By that, we mean the cheeziest flicks on the planet... they just have to meet our cheezy standards.' There are starving rodents with lesser fixations on the yellow stuff, and evidently the definition of what constitutes said 'cheese' is, in this capacity, quite loose.

But 3D effects supervisor Chris Heuer spoke so glowingly about the project on the Creative Cow website, and I was otherwise so curious to see how a 3D rendering of the film would hold up that I banished my fears like so much pesky varmint. Big mistake.

Turns out they are just fucking with a classic for the sake of it. Both 2D and 3D versions of the film are included; both feature highly exaggerated dubbed voicework, not on the dialogue itself but on the moans, exhalations, vocal effects and so forth. This is such an abominable excursion into the depths of insanity I don't think italics quite get the point across: THEY'VE DUBBED VOICES INTO A MASTERWORK OF THE SILENT FILM GENRE FOR COMEDIC PURPOSES.

The end result is Bram Stoker meets Hercules Returns, with hammy giggling, over the top kissy kissy noises and other assorted poncing about spoiling what could have been an enjoyable viewing experience. The 3D effects themselves are accomplished and from a technical standpoint Heuer has done exceedingly well with his limited budget. But still, they dubbed comedy vocal effects into the original Dracula movie. This unpardonable sin ruins any novelty value the project may have had, and comprehensively defecates all over the memories of Murnau, Max Schreck and everyone involved in the original Nosferatu for the sake of a few cheap titters.
The 2D print avoids the yellowish or sepia tones favoured by most prior editions, and is straight black and white all the way. Image quality is quite soft.
A new soundtrack has been composed for this Cheezy Films release. It's accomplished and sympathetic in places, silly and overtly comedic in others. At any rate its effect is lessened by numerous Batman-style inserts and Orlok's incessant wheezing.
Extra Features
There's a short, unfunny, fairly nonsensical introduction by Troma mainstay Lloyd Kaufman. The package also includes 2 pairs of 3D glasses
The Verdict
A blatant and highly undignified cash-in, this is one monstrosity that should be sent back to the pit from whence it came. Quality Cheese Productions, I shake an enraged fist in your general direction.
Movie Score
Disc Score
Overall Score

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