Two Front Teeth (2006)
By: Devon B. on December 24, 2009  | 
Unearthed Films (USA), Region 1, NTSC 1.85:1 (16:9 enhanced). Dolby Digital 2.0. 74 minutes
The Movie
Cover Art
Directors: David Sckrabulis, Jamie Nash
Starring: Johnny Francis Wolf, Meagan Pearson, Michael Brecher, Joseph L. Johnson
Screenplay: Jamie Nash
Country: USA
External Links
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The movies I think of when I think of the Unearthed Films label are some of the most extreme flicks I've ever seen. Whether it's the definitive torture porn of Guinea Pig: Flower of Flesh and Blood or the repugnant realism of Cannibal, Unearthed offer no nonsense hardcore horror. What I forgot is that the later Guinea Pig films, also available through Unearthed, are ridiculous. Before I remembered this, I was having trouble figuring out how Two Front Teeth fit into the Unearthed oeuvre, but the answer is it too is a ridiculous film.

A tabloid journo, who denies he has a Santa phobia but nearly wets himself whenever he sees the old guy's likeness, is working late Xmas eve. He's hesitant to go home because he is certain his trouble and strife is having an affair; his boss has some shocking news on that front. Speaking of shock, the boss is good at preventing it to his own system as he can nonchalantly converse despite having lost an ear to some elves. Yes, elves. Anyway, our hero returns home to find out elves have been up to no good at his house. It seems that much like we were told in Santa's Slay, the jolly fat one ain't as nice as he appears in those Coca-Cola advertisements. Given his phobia, our hero doesn't stand much chance, but fortunately his wife has more backbone and is ready to fight back.

Firstly, if you've picked up Two Front Teeth, DON'T read the synopsis on the back, as it gives more away than the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Part of the fun of this film is not knowing what will turn up next. With tongue firmly in cheek, the film bounces from animated sequences to vampires to an elite order of fighting nuns. The movie gets sillier and sillier until it climaxes with a fight between good and evil that has to be seen to be believed.

Two Front Teeth is certainly a silly feature, but it delivers some funny moments and didn't bore me at any point. There are some good lines, though there is a lot of stuff that requires a good working knowledge of Xmas pop culture. The acting varies in quality, but most of the performances are suitable, with the female lead actually doing a pretty good job as the unfaithful wife to our useless "hero." From the cover you can tell the elf makeup isn't fantastic, but it holds up better on screen than I expected. There is some low rent CG, usually related to gun play, but I don't think there was much budgeted for FX. Or anything else, for that matter. I don't mind a lack of FX from a low budget movie, but Two Front Teeth's vampire makeup is the worst since Satan's Black Wedding, so at times the film's lack of resources is detrimental. A lack of money also means there's not very much gore, so if you're seeing the Unearthed tag and hoping for Wreath of Flesh and Blood, don't bother.

The key word to describe Two Front Teeth is silly. If you like silly Xmas movies featuring vampires, evil elves, ninja nuns and the kitchen sink, this may just be of interest.
Two Front Teeth was shot on video, and is murky and grainy. The lighting on set is unprofessional, often causing distracting silhouettes, and there's a herky jerky clarity issue that happens whenever there's movement in darker scenes.
The audio's a two channel mix. There're a few sounds that are mixed too high, and the track often seemed a bit out of synch. Screams and yells distort. Also, and I know this was intentional, there's a beep over a kid swearing, which is lame.
Extra Features
The extras include a commentary, a 4 ½ minute making of, the trailer, Dead Fury's trailer, and a picture of a cover of the soundtrack (I guess so you'd know what to look for if just knowing the film's title wasn't going to be enough to go by at the record store). The making of is very general. It's okay, but most of the info is found in the commentary, so it is ultimately unnecessary. The commentary is with directors David Sckrabulis and Jamie Nash. They mention the poor lighting, as well as discuss the fun of low budget film making. The commentary is fine, and avoids the pitfall that many low budget film commentaries suffer, which is to talk about a bunch of people we've never heard of and will never hear from again. The track abruptly ends just before the credits roll.
The Verdict
Movie Score
Disc Score
Overall Score
The movie's presentation isn't spectacular, but that's no doubt because there wasn't much money around when it was made, and not because Unearthed did a poor job with the transfer. Despite having a budget of about $10, Two Front Teeth is coherent and mostly entertaining. If you're a fan of low budget cinema this is a must see, because it's just so darn wacky. It'll make it into regular Xmas rotation 'round my place, for sure.

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