Breeders (1986)
By: Devon B. on March 3, 2009  | 
DVD
MGM (Australia). Region 4, PAL. 1.85:1 (16:9 enhanced). English DD 2.0. 74 minutes
The Movie
Cover Art
Credits
Director: Tim Kincaid
Starring: Teresa Farley, Lance Lewman, Frances Raines, Natalie O'Connell, Amy Brentano
Screenplay: Tim Kincaid
Country: USA
External Links
Purchase IMDB YouTube
Breeders has a few dubious honours. One is that it was actually one of the very first direct to video movies released. The original box art announced, "A world premiere in your own home;" hopefully that line didn't fool anyone. Another claim to fame is it got Fangoria into trouble. When the mag ran a picture from this movie of some naked women in a tub of goo, Fango got pulled from some stands. I'd like to say that's what lead to Fangoria becoming watered down pap, but that didn't happen till a few years later.

Now, this plot is complex, so stick with me. Aliens in human guise are raping virgins in New York (Hooray for political correctness!). A cop is investigating what's going on, and he gets a major lead from a doctor treating one of the victims. The pair begin to try to solve the crimes, and end up with some pretty unusual leads, which makes sense given it's aliens what done it. Despite the serial rapes, no additional police turn up to help. Have to wonder what sort of city it is where most of the women are virgins and there's only one cop. The aliens also seem to have invisibility cloaking like Predator, because sometimes characters just can't see them. The viewer can, so clearly the budget didn't allow for the final effect of making them look transparent, but I assume this is what's going on.

Breeders doesn't try to make sense, and the plot has more holes than that guy ED-209 shoots up at the beginning of RoboCop. Breeders was helmed by Tim Kincaid, who is usually a gay porn director. I couldn't find out if he ever worked with Stephen Geoffreys because I got tired of looking through gay porn titles to see if there was a match. Anyway, Kincaid briefly moved into filming female skin, and with Breeders focused heavily on Joe Bob Brigg's three Bs of cinema (blood, beasts, and breasts) with amazing results. The nudity is forced into what's masquerading as a plot, like when one of our virgins is left alone at a photo shoot she immediately strips down and does nude aerobics. Why? I don't care, she's naked! Tan lines abound, and some women are less attractive than others. Unfortunately we see very little of the most attractive of the women attacked, but the sheer amount of ridiculously contrived nudity makes up for that.

But Breeders isn't just smut, it is the best so bad it's good movie of the 80s. There are some corker lines like when the cop tries to help a victim recall her attack by saying, "You're not dead, you're alive. If you're alive you can remember." Another priceless speech is made by the doctor, and is sure to delight women's libbers everywhere: "You're not the only woman in this world who's alone, afraid, and with no one else to protect her. They're a lot of us."

The timeline in Breeders was obviously something the producers were hoping we wouldn't pay close attention to. The rapes have been ongoing at the beginning of the film, yet we see five women attacked. In the end when everyone attacked is summoned to the alien lair, only those five women turn up. What happened to the others? There's also an old lady attacked in a subway well after the virgin attacks start, but the disastrous result is given as the reason the aliens had to target virgins. So, I guess the aliens are psychic if they already knew the result of the assault on the old woman, but you have to wonder if they already knew that why they bothered to attack the granny in the first place.

Not everything in the movie is absolute shit. Some of the gore is okay, though a lot of that is shit. The aliens look a bit like the fly from Meet the Feebles, and their makeup varies in quality, but is sometimes better than expected. Plus, there're boobies, and those are almost always good in any movie.

Aside from the nudity, one of the things that fascinates me about Breeders is the performance of Teresa Farley as the doctor. Breeders hasn't got a proper thespian anywhere in it, but she stands out even among these non-professionals. With hair like Der Golem, she wanders the sets Terminator like. I don't mean she's shooting people and spouting one liners, it's just she seems like a cyborg pretending at emotion but not quite getting it and coming across oddly flat. She's one of the few women who doesn't get her kit off, so I wonder why she was cast, but I'm glad she was because her acting is something to behold.

The 1998 remake loses all the fun and nudity of the original, so it's best avoided, but grab this DVD and you too can pretend the 80s never ended.
Video
Breeders was low budget, and the film looks hazy at times, but I'm not sure if that's just 'cause it was over lit on the set. There is also some grain and the print has some spots. All in all it's a fine transfer, with most faults lying with the source material.
Audio
You can listen to Breeders in a 2 channel English or French track. The DVD covers says the film's in mono, which would be the original soundtrack, but I guess that was a lie. The French audio is a bit louder at times, which causes more distortion, but the English track isn't distortion free either. This would be a flaw with the source, but not much was done to correct it. The French track is also a bit flat, lacking some of the background sounds found on the English track. Either one has the tacky 80s music.
Extra Features
None, but you get what you pay for, and this disc retails at about $6.
The Verdict
Movie Score
Disc Score
Overall Score
Breeders is the ne plu ultra of gratuity. Even at 74 minutes it's heavily padded, but the padding usually comes in the form of naked women, so if you're complaining about that you're dumb. How do you score a movie that's atrocious on most accounts, but awesome all the same? You give it a four out of five.

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