The Girls Rebel Force Of Competitive Swimmers (2007)
By: Mr Intolerance on January 16, 2009  | 
CN Entertainment Ltd (Hong Kong). All Region, NTSC. 1.78:1 (16:9 enhanced). Cantonese DD 2.0, Japanese DD 2.0. English, Traditional Chinese, Simplified Chinese Subtitles. 79 minutes
The Movie
Cover Art
Director: Kôji Kawano
Starring: Mizuka Arai, Sasa Handa, Ayumi Uehara
Screenplay: Satoshi Ôwada
Country: Japan
External Links
Purchase IMDB YouTube
No, I didn't make that title up. Honest, it's a real film!

Sometimes when you're trawling through the Asian DVD stores in Chinatown, you come across some good value sales, some genuine cult classics for a steal (Sex and Fury for $10), and sometimes just some oddball DTV weirdness like this, which the crafty consumer like myself simply can't help themselves from buying. I mean look at that title – it has goodness spelt all over it, for cying out loud.

Murasawa, the swimming coach, is a real arsehole. He puts his girls swimming team through the wringer in order to make them the most competitive and best team that there is. At the same time in this high school, we're told by the loud speaker that, "There is a new popular virus species" around (I think something may have been lost in translation), and we also see that Tomoko (one of the swim team stars) is grievously ill. Doesn't take too much to put two and two together.

Aki is a new student, who makes friends with Sayaka (another swim team champ) after being pushed into the pool by her, in the shower. Close friends, obviously – and they both have a similar bruise/birthmark on their right breast. Murasawa is hacked to death with a hunting knife (bear in mind we're not even ten minutes in here – boobies and blood a-go-go!), and so it becomes obvious that there's a homicidal loonie on the prowl – but watch out for what the outcome of that virus might be...BEACAUSE IT TURNS YOU INTO A FUCKING PSYCHO!!! You'd better believe it, both student and teacher alike suddenly become balls-out homicidal nutters once the virus takes hold, and then it's flesh-chomping time. Don't think the "Z" word, because these kids aren't the dead reanimated, think more like a shambling version of the infectees of 28 Days Later and you'd be closer the mark, although played more for laughs. Does the director stint on the gore? Not on your nellie – there are buckets of blood flying all around the place, as well as limbs. This is work from the same school of subtlety that brought you The Machine Girl, only without the awful CGI.

Aki quickly proves herself to be one kick-arse mama, slicing and dicing the infected hordes – and its equally quickly established that only members of the swimming team seem to be immune to the virus (which logically makes no sense, as Tomoko is one of the first people struck down by the badness) – the secret must be in the pool.

After a brief run in with a homicidal juggling maths teacher (set squares as shuriken?!), we get a brief run down of Aki's history via a convenient flash-back. She (without giving too much away) knows how to take care of herself, care of the crazy bacteriologist/assassin who brought her up (she does most of her training in panties, and some of it wearing a bondage ball-gag). Watch it yourself to find out the unlikely details – her aversion to swimming is made clear at the same time; improbable, but natural, given the internal logic of the film. From here she teams up with the rest of the Swimming Team to combine into an awesome villain-fighting force. Well, after a brief half-nekkid lesbian interlude with Sayaka, of course.

What's more than a little disturbing is the fact that Sayaka believes herself and Aki to be sisters, and yet has no compunctions about fingerbanging a member of her own family while sucking on her titty – that's not exactly sisterly conduct, I would have thought. Call me a prude, but something there is deeply wrong – inbred teenage leso-love? Not normal, in my book.

Mind you, neither is the chainsaw-wielding English teacher, Ms Mariko, who likes to wear intestines like a feather boa. Once the girls have proved that the pool water has a significant part to do with curing the virus, Mariko provides the first stumbling block – we've already seen that the adult and teenage doses of the supposed cure for the virus were different, now we see what the outcome of that might be.

But just when you thought that was weird enough, we then get another flashback into Aki's previous life with the nutcase foster-father, who could make her masturbate in front of him simply by playing a flute. Then, inevitably, his bed-flute comes into play – I hope that whoever wrote this, their analyst is on danger money.

And so we move into the final act, where Aki goes into full Ripley-mode as heroine on steroids, and you'll have to see it to believe it, basically, because I honestly don't think you'd believe me if I told you. Hidden identities, carnage, floatation devices as deadly weapons, twins a la The Corsican Brothers, slaughter of Speedo-wearing Japanese schoolgirls, genitals used as a laser cannon; this film has some serious goofiness hidden up its voluminous sleeves, along with the (kinda) zombie/infectee mayhem, martial arts, panty-flashing, masturbation, lesbian sex and general plot incoherence. And lord only knows what kind of indictment this is of the Japanese schooling system, let alone family relationships in the Land of the Rising Sun...
The 16:9 enhanced 1.78:1 presentation is good for a DTV film, but average for a proper movie.
The original Japanese 2.0 track serves the purpose well. Nothing flash, being a two channel presentation with subtitles, but it certainly does the job. The score is somewhat bizarre, going from death metal to synth score stuff and back, taking along some faux-industrial along the way – I got kind of confused when the guy playing the flute was making organ noises with it, but that's probably just me nit-picking.
Extra Features
Disappointingly, not a single one. The definition of the bare-bones disc.
The Verdict
Movie Score
Disc Score
Overall Score
Wildly and wickedly entertaining fun, The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers is a crazed piece of pitch black splatschtick humour. It makes no sense whatsoever to speak of, riffs on a whole bunch of films we've all seen numerous times before, has a whale of a time taking itself in no ways seriously, and entertains at every turn. The ending in particular left me with so many "what the fuck?" moments that I was wondering if I was still watching the same movie or not. If you love the illogic that powered such films as Wild Zero, Stacy, Junk and Versus, but without any of the intellect powering those aforementioned films, this is the movie for you. Highly recommended for a night watching movies with your mates – get the beers in, get the pizza in, you'll be laughing from the bizarre get-go to the truly absurd ending. What more can I say? Demented and fun – a definite re-watcher.

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