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Director: Jess Franco Starring: Al Cliver, Sabrina Siani, Candy Coster, Robert Foster, Olivier Mathot Screenplay: Jess Franco Country: Spain/France AKA: White Cannibal Queen; Mondo Cannibale

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For Professor Taylor (Al Cliver) an Amazon River expedition goes pear shaped when the family boat is attacked by a pack of hungry cannibals who murder his wife and do a runner with his young daughter, but only after hacking off his arm and scarfing down on the appendage right before his very eyes!

Back in the US a good decade or so later we find the professor suffering from a case of amnesia that has blurred the memories of what happened on that particular evening. Still, things are looking up for him. Sure, he only has one arm and nightmares about cannibals cause a few sleepless nights, but he has managed to shack up with his hot nurse (Lina Romay). However, during a shopping trip he has a moment of total recall and, suddenly convinced that his daughter might still be alive, promptly arranges a return trip to the Amazon to retrieve her.

In the jungle, with the nurse, a tracker, and a few of his financial backers (a bunch of silly rich twats who've dismissed his tales of cannibals as insane gibberish and believe an expedition to the wild jungle will be a jolly old jaunt) tagging along, Taylor eventually locates the tribe that deprived him of his family and his arm, and discovers his daughter very much alive and all grown up - and being worshipped as the tribe's White Cannibal Queen! Problem is though she's gone a bit feral, and as an integral part of the tribe daddy's little girl may not want a family reunion. And even if she did, the cannibal tribesmen certainly won't be giving up their Queen without a lot of killing and flesh munching …

Let's skip the foreplay and get straight to it folks – Cannibals is one of the worst cannibal movies you're ever likely to see. A big call, I know, given the depths the genre has sunken to, but I defy anyone to sit through this crap and prove me wrong. The film is a tedious ninety-minute display of incompetence and el cheapo production values, with universally wooden performances from all involved, hopelessly inept dubbing, casually inserted stock footage, an inappropriately funky jazz score, jungle settings that look more like a local park at times, and some of the most unconvincing cannibals you're ever likely to see! Seriously, the tribesmen speak English as well as ooga booga, are mostly white (this makes their fighting words like "Death to the white invaders!" seem quite comical) and sport distinctly European hairstyles and beer bellies, and their garish face paint actually makes them look more like rabid football fans dressed up for the grand final than a bunch of primitive savages.

There's no point blaming Franco for all this ineptitude though, as the guy probably wouldn't give a rats arse. Cannibals is obviously nothing more than a blatant attempt to cash-in on the success of Cannibal Holocaust and its ilk, and Franco seemed to have no genuine passion for the material. Think about it - even when the guy puts in a hundred and ten percent he can make a frightfully appalling piece of crap, so just how bad could a movie be when his heart's not in it? That's how bad Cannibals is. Usually, at the very least his movies look good, but even his eye for stylish visuals and love of exposed female flesh is missing here. In fact, apart from occasional moments of out-of-focus photography and the presence of Lina Romay it really doesn't feel much like a Jess Franco movie at all (which could be a good or bad thing depending on your perspective, but here it's bad).

Not even the gut munching can redeem Cannibals. After the opening boat attack we are forced to endure an awfully long wait for the next bit of cannibal carnage, and when the natives finally do begin chewing on the wandering yuppie twats the gore set pieces are, like the rest of the film, woefully inept. There are no noticeable special effects as such - Franco's camera simply lingers on the extras' mouths in extreme close-up as they chew on cheap butcher's steaks (often in slow motion) for extended periods to the point where it all became quite tedious. Honestly, I never knew scenes of cannibal gut munching could actually bore me, but there you go. Kudos to you, Jess.