The Beast in Space (1980)
By: Mr Intolerance on September 17, 2008  |  Comments  |  Bookmark and Share
Severin (USA). Region 1, NTSC. 1.85:1 (16:9 enhanced). Italian DD 1.0. English subtitles. 92 minutes
The Movie
Director: Alfonso Brescia
Starring: Sirpa Lane, Vassilli Karis, Lucio Rosato, Robert Hundar, Venantino Venantini
Screenplay: Alfonso Brescia
Country: Italy
External Links
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I…feel…so…retarded… after watching this film. Seriously, this is one of the worst things I think I have ever seen. A mate of mine thought I should see this film and review it, but honestly, I'd've preferred it if he'd stuck forks in my eyes instead.

Bad sci-fi is the pits, and this is indeed Pitsville material. Sample dialogue: "May I buy you a drink, space man?" " Don't break my asteroids." Oh, for fuck's sake… Or better, when describing a planet, "Have you ever seen a mandrill's ass? Really? Well, it gives you an idea." Our hero is a soldier, Captain Larry Madison, who incidentally wears a cape and has an appalling 70s moustache, straight back from nasty planet Rutilus, who wants a bit of R&R, particularly with a blonde who's caught his eye in some intergalactic disco. As he tells her: "We couldn't even be comforted by mental masturbation." Umm…

Cue: porno scene, some of which is intercut with XXX inserts so bad as to make you wonder which film you're watching (come back Joe D'Amato, all is forgiven!). Maybe it's arousing if you like seeing nipples change colour, I don't know. Anyway, Sondra, the blonde (Sirpa Lane from The Beast) has bad dreams which Madison couldn't give a rat's arse about, but which he really should listen to, being that they're all prescient-like and give away the end of the story.

The whole purpose of the film is to watch the humans find Antalium, a rare mineral used to make neutron weapons. Madison found some on the Merchant bum he beat up the night before, and is promptly asked to find out where it came from. So, it's back to the disco and Madison finds a woman who has been travelling on an all woman ship and states, "There were only women on board. If we go upstairs to my room, I'll make up for lost time, and you'll have the hottest sexual intercourse of your life." Put in such a clinical way, who could refuse?

The Merchant, Juan Cartosa, turns up, and he and Madison get in to a fight. Check out the tough guy back and forth:
Madison: Won't you be upset if I hurt you?
Cartosa: (after being socked) My poor nose.
Madison: Did I hurt your nose? Poor thing!

Yes, it's that well scripted. Anyhoo, Madison is sent on a mission to Lorigon, a planet no human is ever meant to have set foot on, to find Antalium, in an unforgiving sky blue jumpsuit no sane man would ever be found wearing. But if you thought that was bad, you've gotta see the pale grey jumpsuits with the red velvet skullcaps they wear on the mission. Ooops, plot development – Sondra is one of the specially chosen flight crew. Who'd'a thunk it? They then change uniforms into some kind of sub-Space 1999 kind of look – just how many changes of clothes have these guys carried with them? And why do they all suck?

So after some badly handled supposedly tension-inducing scenes on the ship, the crew land on the planet Lorigon, cut off from any communication with Earth. Madison and the majority of the crew leave the ship in some pretty fucked up lime green jumpsuits that really make you desperately hope that the haute couture of the future is better than this… And the robot that they encounter is so awful as to even make Ed Wood spin in his grave.

The whole movie sort of goes Forbidden Planet for a second, but the production values aren't strong enough to take it there. Badly inserted stock footage of horses rooting seem to make everyone go sex-mad and retard-strong, but it was all a bit mystifying to the likes of me as Madison takes the crew back to the ship. The gang happen upon a castle that's suspiciously like the one from Sondra's dreams, and their Antalium detector starts working again, beeping like crazy when heading towards the place.

"Damn! I suddenly see everything deformed." When they enter the palace, the gang can't quite see what's going on properly, in a monumentally lazy moment of direction. So Cartosa turns up out of the fucking blue and invites all and sundry for a feast. We find out in pretty short order that Lorigon is ruled and controlled by a faulty computer called Zocor, fuelled by Antalium, which artificially prolongs the lifespan of everybody on the planet, or so his stooge Ophan tells us.

After the feast, people start having sex for no readily explicable reason – and because of the time it was filmed, this means we're confronted by loads of scary minges and hairy arses. Ophan appears to have evil designs on Sondra, and she's not exactly resisting.

Enter: the Beast of the title. Oh dear. Personally, I'm not too keen on watching big cocks waggling about, particularly not when it could have the Benny Hill chase music running in the background. Let the hardcore sex begin! I'd lost interest some time ago, this cemented my disinterest. Big time. So everyone fucks like nasty pigs (and here's where the XXX material shows up), and then it's back to Ophan's place for a feast-cum-orgy. And where the fuck was Captain Madison?

Cartosa suddenly appears to be not a bad bloke, and seems to have worked out a few things about Lorigon and how it works, and then the story takes on a new twist, but I'll let you find that out for yourself. The ending is one that you have to see with your own eyes. I'll leave you with this line of amazing dialogue, Cartosa to Madison: "Undress. It may have gay transistors that you can distract." Demon Seed or Saturn V, eat your nobs off.
The 16:9 enhanced 1.85 presentation is average at best . Speckle and grain are the order of the day, and the whole image is very soft – it's little better than VHS quality.
The mono audio is in Italian, which I don't speak, with subtitles. Serviceable without being anything exciting. The laser gun noises are funny.
Extra Features
Deleted Scenes – including Outrageous Otherworldly Beast Climax: Umm, yeah. I could have done without this. Basically lots of bad blow-jobs with the titular Beast spewing his load of love snot. And then there's the Hardcore Theatrical Trailer, which frankly shows you how bad the film is going to be.
The Verdict
Movie Score
Disc Score
Overall Score
My IQ dropped while I watched this film. This really rates down there with Plan 9 From Outer Space, Robot Monster, They Saved Hitler's Brain and Mars Needs Women in terms of craptacular entertainment. Breathtakingly awful in its execution, The Beast In Space is little better than a vanity reel for Sirpa Lane, or a late night fun-fest for you and your mates, Mystery Theatre 3000-style. Watch this and lose brain cells, but enjoy doing so. Audaciously inept.

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