Crocodile (1981)
By: Julian on August 15, 2008  |  Comments  |  Bookmark and Share
DVD
VCI Entertainment (USA), Region 1, NTSC. 1.77:1 (16:9 enhanced). English DD 1.0. 93 minutes
The Movie
Credits
Director: Sompote Sands
Starring: Nat Puvanai, Tany Tim, Angela Wells, Kirk Warren
Country: Thailand/USA
AKA: Chorake
External Links
IMDB YouTube
Tell me, children – it's killer croc week, so what exactly is it that you want from a killer croc movie? Great special effects? A colossally huge reptilian, or one that is of a smaller, more realistic size? Lots of blood? A plethora of smoking babes? Well, here's the 411, as the cool kids would proclaim – Crocodile has none of those things. The cartoon on the cover slick of this film promised a monster movie par excellence, a piece of work that could well be the Citizen Kane of killer crocodile genre – a girl skewered on a single tooth! A boat being swatted with a giant scaly paw like a fly! A man and his young children about to be death-rolled! The tagline also promised some delicious meaty goodness – 'from the slimy depths of the ocean, nature explodes with savage fury!'

Truth of it all is Crocodile is about as savage as a newborn, and just as toothless. The second and last feature from Thai director Sompote Sands (ring any bells?) and starring actors whose careers curiously began and finished with this picture, Crocodile is utter tripe. Just the thought of going into any kind of in-depth plot synopsis gives me pangs of indigestion that every Mylanta tablet in existence couldn't cure, but here goes: Dr Akom (Puvanai) is the protagonist here, a gormless chap whose family gets eaten by a giant crocodile that is terrorising a Thai village. I didn't care.

Dr Akom enlists the help of a university professor, who gives the terrifying revelation that the crocodile is the mutated hell-spawn of atomic testing that took place in the area. Holy hotcocks! Unsatisfied and keen to avenge his family's death, Akom approaches a local fisherman, Tanaka (Warren). The duo takes Tanaka's boat up river in an attempt to catch the rogue reptile, as attempts by the local authorities to bring the situation to a head (like, load up a giant underwater bear trap) fail.

How 'bout that, hey? But I swear I've seen this before, but with a shark, and directed by Steven Spielberg. Crocodile certainly isn't the worst horror movie I've ever seen, but that's not through lack of trying – Sands' incompetence as a director is so profound it makes you question whether he's just a worthless human being. I've seen home movies filmed by three year olds that play better than this. And the actors should never be given the opportunity to work again.

Startlingly enough, not only is Sands about as unskilled as your average chimp, but he's also a filthy hack. Portions of Crocodile (an undisclosed amount) were edited from a Thai-South Korean co-production Agowa gongpo (1978), which also carried the English title Crocodile. Sands' film can be loosely described as a remake, given Agowa gongpo has pretty much the same synopsis. And, although it is unpreviewed by this reviewer, it's supposedly equally poor.

Something I did notice which entertained me for a good portion of the film – check out the scene where a monkey is sitting on the crocodile's tail and can barely fit its whole body on… then, fifteen minutes later, the aforesaid reptilian decimates an entire riverside village with a few swipes of a gargantuan paw. Yeah, I suppose there's some comedic value to it all…
Video
Crocodile is presented in a 1.77:1 aspect ratio with 16:9 enhancement and looks about as clear as mud.
Audio
One English mono track – VHS quality stuff. I wouldn't inflict it on my worst enemy.
Extra Features
Two radio spots, one running thirty seconds and the other running a minute. Trailers for other VCI releases and they all look considerably better than this dreck, but still slightly below the quality of a sub-par Ed Wood flick. 
The Verdict
Add Crocodile to the pantheon of classics that possess no redeeming features whatsoever. I'm sure the French had a word to describe a picture of such abysmal quality, but I'll just settle with 'fucked'.
Movie Score
Disc Score
Overall Score

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