Any film that has the caveat, "No guys with hairy butts included" on its back cover must be a work of art. Which is, of course, the mindset with which I sit down to watch Actiongirls.com Volume 4. Further to this, writer/director Scotty JX also states on the back cover, "We don't pretend to have award-winning acting or a plot twister. We cut to the caveman senses to give you simple instinctual pleasures".
|Director: Scotty JX
Starring: Erica Campbell, Veronica Zemanova, Susana Spears, Nancy Lane, Sylvia Saint
Screenplay: Scotty JX
I'll drag my knuckles to that.
If you're not familiar with the whole Actiongirls vibe, I'll assume that you are not one of the one million plus people per day who visit the Actiongirls.com website. Or one of the lucky ones who've seen the films. From reasonably humble beginnings, the Actiongirls franchise has risen to an impressive level of success – and here's the premise: a bunch of (generally) quite busty chicks in very little clothing and knee high boots trawl around a post-apocalyptic world where women are kidnapped by nomadic gangs to be used as breeders. The Actiongirls, however, fight back (they're firing real weapons, apparently, too). Usually this fighting back does tend to consist of jiggling about, or otherwise gyrating in a way pleasing to the eye of the shallow male. But hey, it's the thought that counts.
Plotless eye-candy? Yep. About the least feminist thing ever? You bet. Un-PC to the max? Uh-huh. Fun viewing? Oh yes.
Over the course of the previous three instalments, the explosions have gotten bigger, the production values higher, the camera work more adept – and so we hit Volume 4. Well, we're in widescreen now, and with better photography, but evil genius Scotty JX's masterplan has not changed. Episodic snatches (no pun intended…) of barely clad chickadees either getting guns blazing, or (and presumably because it's hot…) stripping down faster than I'd run from a salad bar. And then rubbing themselves a lot. Are they trying to make sure they're still there? I can't say, and I wasn't asking.
As with the previous three instalments (and with some hold-over stars such as Susana Spears, Sylvia Saint and Veronica Zemanova), all of the women on display – and they couldn't be more 'on display' if they tried – are stunning. There were a few too many medically-enhanced young ladies on show here for my taste (Sir-Mix-A-Lot, in his wisdom, did tell us, "Silicone parts are made for toys!"), but surely I must be nitpicking. If any red-blooded (or black-blooded, in my case) hetero fella can watch these films and not feel even in the slightest bit trousery, time to start choosing the theme for next year's float, boys. I'm not, as I've said before, saying you and the Kleenex might want to be alone together, but if you can't be titillated by the goings on here, you'd have to be all about the cock.
So, in summation: what did I learn from Actiongirls.com Volume 4?
1. Hunting down my foes while on roller-skates, while also wearing a micro-miniskirt and a see-through top will work.
2. Masturbating, pole-dancing and disrobing in public places is perfectly normal female behaviour.
3. After firing off high calibre weaponry at no discernible enemy, it is vitally important to strip off all of my barely covering clothes and play with my boobs.
4. The correct attire for combat while brandishing an M-16, is that of an early 70s blaxploitation pimp: broad-brimmed red felt hat, and a red, feather-trimmed floor length coat, and much bling.
5. After doing so, it is essential to digitally masturbate on the floor of what appears to be a strip club.
6. All martial arts training must be undergone in a bikini-top, hot pants and knee-high boots – preferably while being covered in baby oil.
7. My nipples must be so erect at all times, that if someone were to walk within 3 feet of me, I'd have his fucking eye out.
8. If any badly tattooed guy in paramilitary clobber gives me physical grief – I must repeatedly kick him in the cags and set fire to him.
9. Giving yourself a wedgie while in hotpants need not necessarily be a bad thing.
10. It is possible to look good in a PVC jumpsuit that makes you look like a cross between Ronald MacDonald and Captain America.
11. Labial-split wedgies are not wrong, and women enjoy them on a regular basis.
12. Finger-banging your pooter in a sports car in the midst of a post-apocalyptic wasteland is going to ensure the survival of the species, and end the tyranny of evil biker gangs.
13. When attacking a potential enemy base solo and armed only with a 60-plus year old Luger automatic, stripping naked and applying baby oil is a must.
14. Licking big black dildos and getting labial and clitoral piercings are essential to your combat training.
15. A crotchless g-string is a part of every police-woman's (highly abbreviated) uniform.
It's big dumb fun – go and watch it.