Actiongirls.com Volume 2 (2006)
By: Mr Intolerance on November 27, 2007  |  Comments  |  Bookmark and Share
DVD
Actiongirls.com (USA). All Regions, NTSC. 4:3. English DD 2.0. 95 minutes
The Movie
Credits
Director: Scotty JX
Starring: Silvia Saint, Susana Spears, Silvie Thomas
Writer: Scotty JX
Country: USA
Purchase
God bless Scotty JX for giving us Actiongirls. Fine words for a self-professed atheist, I know, but I am a very keen fan of the whole Actiongirls vibe. Let's face facts: I'm a fella. This means I enjoy the following: boobs (especially when being worn by gorgeous nekkid or near as damn women), explosions, guns, and action sequences. And I enjoy them on a regular basis. Fair enough, there's fuck all in the way of story here, but so what? Scotty JX has given us all of the above, and taken out all of the extraneous nonsense like plot and dialogue – they simply aren't necessary to the whole eye-candy experience. And that is all this is.

Sure, this is soft-core porn in all but name, but I didn't feel the urge to break out the Kleenex and have the ménage a moi. Oiled up nekkid women exercising, masturbating, generally jiggling about, and yet it's somehow not really about being the kind of video you watch with three eyes, if you take my meaning… Odd.

I always get a good chuckle out of the intros to these films. The whole Actiongirls zeitgeist is basically this: in the not-too-distant future, the world has been ravaged by plagues and civilisation as we know it has ceased to exist. Brutal gangs roam the wilderness, forcing women to join them or die – women are especially prized, used as breeders, to create new gang members – but some women fight back (although I'm not too sure how slathering yourself in baby oil and rubbing your own boobs can be construed as fighting…) – "This is the story of those few strong women" – makes it almost sound like the feminist film it so truly isn't.

Cue: boobs. In our opening scene one young lovely wakes up clad only in knee high boots, thus emphasising her nakedity, and has a bit of a fiddle with her bazooka. No, that wasn't a euphemism for her fish mitten – she has an honest-to-god bazooka in her bedroom; an actual one person hand-held rocket launcher. Then it's time for a few nekkid push ups and sit ups (not to mention some weird squatting exercise you have to execute with an assault rifle), then, after inexplicably beating up a radio with a baseball bat (I don't like modern music either, I guess…), it's time for nekkid jump rope. I'm telling you, fellas, it was like watching a lava lamp.

Then, having achieved nothing much of anything, we move on to our next scene, featuring another sweaty beauty wearing only knee-high boots (I'm sensing a fetish here) and a belt having a workout. This was all well and good, I was thinking, we've certainly got the girls (and what girls they are!), but…where's the action? It was a bit light-on, I must say.

I sometimes thought while watching Actiongirls.com Volume 2, that maybe Mr JX had made these films as a kind of post-modern thesis, answering that perennial question that has plagued mankind through the ages (it certainly keeps me up at night): "exactly how much will a nekkid woman's boobs jiggle about when firing a fully automatic weapon?" Then of course I got my hand off it, and realised that he was exploiting the desires of the average fella in the street like (see above), and that all he's trying to do is entertain – mission accomplished there, I'd say.

A few things did strike me while watching this film, though: y'know, if I was fighting evil in a post-apocalyptic world, I'd be arming up, as the Actiongirls do, but, y'see, I'd be suiting up, too. Kevlar, leather, armour, if I could find it – I wouldn't be choosing baby-oil and a g-string, personally. I don't care if it's a camouflage g-string, IT'S STILL A G-STRING!!!

Another was the Actiongirls method of fighting back – one enterprising young lady had discovered a particularly novel mode of combat: sucking the barrel of an automatic pistol like it's a cock and rubbing said barrel over her nipples, finger-banging her badly-packed-kebab all-the-while, before rubbing said barrel into said kebab – my kind of war, really!

As I mentioned in my review for Actiongirls: Soldiers of the Dead part 1, all of the women here are stunning. Scotty JX obviously has a fine eye for the female form – none of this bevy of beauties are less than model status – amazing physiques – leggy, lean, taut, toned and big-boobed, for the better part. He's not just gone to the pub on a Friday night and convinced some pack of slappers to be in his movie – none of the Actiongirls are merely girls you might notice – if you saw them in public, you'd stare. And then there'd be the restraining orders… I reckon I'd swear a number of these fine fillies are Eastern European, having that sort of look (God, I'm making them sound like they come from Innsmouth…), all sultry and exotic, despite the very anglicized names (most of which sound like porno pseudonyms anyway); and in my eyes, this is a Very Good Thing (fuck off – like you didn't think those chicks in Hostel were hot; they were smokin'!).

Final thoughts – scantily-clad women mud-wrestling is wonderfulness. I was like John Candy in Stripes – I wanted to get in there too! Also – these movies can get a bit surreal at times. Like for instance, I never ever thought I'd be watching a chick diddling her pooter on top of a T-34 (Russia's main battle tank in World War 2, for those not in the know); I thought they were good tanks, but not that good…
Video
Good for what it is – a straight-to-DVD film. I was a little annoyed at the full screen aspect ratio, but considering the fact that these clips were shot for an internet website, that is nit-picking.
Audio
There's no dialogue at all, just score and sound effects – serviceable without being inspired.
Extra Features
Only trailers for Actiongirls.com Volume 1, and Actiongirls.com Volume 3. Bit disappointing that – not really trying.
The Verdict
If, like me, you're a reclusive, scared of interacting with real women type of fella – this is definitely for you. If you like boobs and guns and couldn't give a rat's arse about plot – this is again, definitely for you. Actiongirls.com Volume 2 is a little like watching gonzo porn: episodic, mainly unrelated action (only related by the "actors", really), and with no real sense of trying to adhere to any kind of storyline. Doesn't matter. Scotty JX is a genius. He's managed to successfully blend different kinds of wonderfulness to attract the shallow male. Unlike Actiongirls: Soldiers of the Dead part 1, plot is sacrificed here to present a random collage of alternatively sweaty or oily boobs and gun-fondling. Basically, the Actiongirls are meting out justice in a g-string (and the occasional wonderfully unsupportive bra). Light on the action, but heavy on the girls, Actiongirls.com Volume 2 is a film to watch with your mates, a case of beer and a pizza. Fun, but by no means essential.
Movie Score
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