Cover Art

Credits

Director: Ivan Stars: Kami Andrews, Gia Paloma, Kat, Isabel Ice Writer: Ivan Country: USA

Texas Asshole Massacre opens with a driver questioning a pair of porn stars in recovery about getting out of porn. They're joining Hollywood's Official Starlets, a program geared to get girls "from porn to norm." They arrive at a house where the head of HOS is, and the girls go for a wander. One finds some loving photos of the head of HOS own porno past, the other finds some hillbilly lookin' dude. She tells him she wants to be a mainstream director; he says he can help, so she lets him fuck her in the ass. She also performs oral sex on him, but she has braces, so I found that highly concerning. Anyway, once he's shot his wad, the hillbilly uses some very advanced technology to summon others, who come to take advantage of the HOS. The head of HOS doesn't like her girls fuckin' around, but that doesn't stop her from getting down and dirty herself. She also seems to take an extreme interest in one of the new girls, who has been a runner up for best anal scene five separate times, so is quaintly referred to as the five time anal loser.

Texas Asshole Massacre is just a bit weird. The first scene it's like, "Okay, so that's stupid, but it is a porno." But then the next scene features a Welsh girl getting caught stealing a Vietnam vet's chilli. He forces her to eat the chilli off his cock, to her dismay. This scene is poorly acted, but is still a bit disturbing. Then he rapes her while calling her a gook. Of course, she's ultimately not too traumatised and starts to enjoy it, creating what I'm sure even the stoutest of feminists would call a nice, healthy fantasy. Anyway, morality aside, I wouldn't call the scene appealing.

In the trailer, the five time anal loser concept seemed somewhat funny, because there's just a snippet of her being all upset at having vaginal sex and begging to be fucked in the ass. It's probably the bit that sold me on the movie, because it's just so silly. However, in the full scene, she's made to do some things that would undoubtedly be uncomfortable, so, like in the Vietnam vet scene, the whole crying thing is just disturbing. Oddly, the five time anal loser is the only girl who doesn't have anal sex in this film.

Obviously the title of this film is playing off The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, but the connections to that classic are slim. It's pretty much just the title. There are a few HOS ads that do a little linking, but really, until the very end, you won't spot TCM references. The finale is a kind of funny re-enactment of the end of TCM, with a giant dildo instead of a chainsaw, but it's not worth sitting through the whole movie for.

The acting varies, and flubbed lines are left in. Sometimes the performers break the fourth wall by accident early on, but eventually the whole fourth wall premise is abandoned. Not unlike the plot, which is all but forgotten for most of the run time.