Texas Asshole Massacre (2005)
By: Devon B. on November 23, 2007  |  Comments  |  Bookmark and Share
Evolution Erotica (USA). All Regions, NTSC. 4:3. English 2.0. 132 minutes
The Movie
Director: Ivan
Starring: Kami Andrews, Gia Paloma, Kat, Isabel Ice
Writer: Ivan
Country: USA
You know how trailers sometimes make you think a movie might be okay, and then you see the movie and want to stab whoever cut the trailer in the eye?

Texas Asshole Massacre opens with a driver questioning a pair of porn stars in recovery about getting out of porn. They're joining Hollywood's Official Starlets, a program geared to get girls "from porn to norm." They arrive at a house where the head of HOS is, and the girls go for a wander. One finds some loving photos of the head of HOS own porno past, the other finds some hillbilly lookin' dude. She tells him she wants to be a mainstream director; he says he can help, so she lets him fuck her in the ass. She also performs oral sex on him, but she has braces, so I found that highly concerning. Anyway, once he's shot his wad, the hillbilly uses some very advanced technology to summon others, who come to take advantage of the HOS. The head of HOS doesn't like her girls fuckin' around, but that doesn't stop her from getting down and dirty herself. She also seems to take an extreme interest in one of the new girls, who has been a runner up for best anal scene five separate times, so is quaintly referred to as the five time anal loser.

Texas Asshole Massacre is just a bit weird. The first scene it's like, "Okay, so that's stupid, but it is a porno." But then the next scene features a Welsh girl getting caught stealing a Vietnam vet's chilli. He forces her to eat the chilli off his cock, to her dismay. This scene is poorly acted, but is still a bit disturbing. Then he rapes her while calling her a gook. Of course, she's ultimately not too traumatised and starts to enjoy it, creating what I'm sure even the stoutest of feminists would call a nice, healthy fantasy. Anyway, morality aside, I wouldn't call the scene appealing.

In the trailer, the five time anal loser concept seemed somewhat funny, because there's just a snippet of her being all upset at having vaginal sex and begging to be fucked in the ass. It's probably the bit that sold me on the movie, because it's just so silly. However, in the full scene, she's made to do some things that would undoubtedly be uncomfortable, so, like in the Vietnam vet scene, the whole crying thing is just disturbing. Oddly, the five time anal loser is the only girl who doesn't have anal sex in this film.

Obviously the title of this film is playing off The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, but the connections to that classic are slim. It's pretty much just the title. There are a few HOS ads that do a little linking, but really, until the very end, you won't spot TCM references. The finale is a kind of funny re-enactment of the end of TCM, with a giant dildo instead of a chainsaw, but it's not worth sitting through the whole movie for.

The acting varies, and flubbed lines are left in. Sometimes the performers break the fourth wall by accident early on, but eventually the whole fourth wall premise is abandoned. Not unlike the plot, which is all but forgotten for most of the run time.

Texas Asshole Massacre features anal sex, swallowing, rim jobs, gaping, ass to mouth, pseudo throat fucking, and chilli. I gotta admit, I don't think chilli and anal are a good combo, whether it's before, after or during the sex act. After the Vietnam vet scene, I was so put off I found all the sex a bit icky, but even without that factor, some of the other scenes do have a meanness to them that I found off putting.
The movie's presented full frame. It was shot on video, and looks like a porno.
The audio is a two channel track. There is some background noise early on, and the dialogue levels can fluctuate a bit, but otherwise it's, well, a porno.
Extra Features
There're a few ridiculous ads for things like phone sex, and the trailers for Texas Asshole Massacre, which play when you start the movie.
The Verdict
This is not really funny, and is often quite unpleasant, but not in a good way. This isn't really horror porn; it just parodied the title of a horror classic. I was fooled, but now you have no excuse to be. It's hard to argue porn isn't degrading to all involved with crap like this out there.
Movie Score
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