Professor Shino's Classes in Seduction (2006)
By: Mr Intolerance on September 26, 2007  |  Comments  |  Bookmark and Share
Siren Visual (Australia). Region 4, PAL. 4:3. English DD 2.0, Japanese DD 2.0. English Subtitles. 30 minutes
The Movie
Director: Yuichiro Miyake
Starring: Erena Keibara, Mina Motoyama, Koichi Kawaguchi, Chuta Kijima, Joe Hayato, Keisuke Itori, Cyushou Mibu, Kanata Meou, Taro Daikanyama, Shiki Asakura;
Screenplay: Hajime Yamaguchi
Music: Riverside Music
Country: Japan
From the country that brought you young women's used panty-vending machines, welcome to hentai! I must say I thought I was going to piss myself laughing at the subtitled line, "Your face is so red. Oh, and your penis is swelling, too." Comedy farking gold. No, wait, hang on, I'm coming…errr…I mean getting ahead of myself.

Professor Shino is the Chemistry professor at an un-named High school, who seems hell bent on fucking the be-Jesus out of her students (when she's not teaching them how to fuck) in this animated tale of wrongness. I'm a 50-50 fan of anime. When it's good, as in Ghost in the Shell, Akira, Ninja Scroll, Wicked City or the Urotsukidoji films, it can be pretty fucking impressive. At other times (the anime version of Ichi springs readily to mind), it can be as though Satan has vomited bleach into your eyeballs. This lurks somewhere between the two – impressive in the animation stakes, but bleach-worthy in that there is zero plot and characterisation, and appears to be some kind of bizarre "fucking the sexy teacher" fetish film. And the fact that a number of the main characters and folks doing the fucking are teenagers – how in the Sam Hill did this scoot by the OFLC untouched, when Ken Park (obviously adult actors, remember, despite portraying teenagers) ran afoul of their evil clutches? It can't be because of the fact that they're cartoon characters, surely? I mean, while I can't say as I enjoyed Ken Park, I could at least recognise the artistic merit of that film, and it's seriousness – this film is little more than exploitative tat.

I was put in mind of the video clip of Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" (incidentally the title of another hentai film from Critical Mass) while watching this – an infantile desire to fuck and otherwise sexualise your teacher (the nadir of which would have to be Venom's song "Teacher's Pet", featuring the following opening gambit, "Teacher caught me masturbating underneath the desk/She looked at me and winked her eye, said I'll see you after class…"), the desire to do such eludes me. Maybe I'm weird, but I never had fuck-fantasies about teachers when I was at high school. But then again, my teachers never looked like Shino. Sorry, I'm just trying to work out in my mind the kind of person who this is aimed at (I'm thinking teenagers, which would make Siren's decision to release this in Australia a bit of an own goal, given it's R18 rating in this country) – porn is a subjective thing, I guess, and what arouses one person is going to disgust another. Or in my case with this film, I was neither aroused nor disgusted. I was faintly amused at times (giggling at the awful dialogue, mainly), bored at others (the sex scenes did go on a bit – and that's a bad thing if they're failing to do what they're meant to – i.e. arouse an audience), and confused at yet others (the community-service like spiels Shino gives about sex while coaching two teenagers to fuck seemed just bizarre).

Actually, in terms of target audience – I've got it! For the Red Dwarf fans out there – think back to the episode where Lister and the Cat are watching The Flintstones, and start debating about who they'd rather have sex with, Wilma Flintstone or Betty Rubble, and come to the conclusion that you'd be with Wilma, but you'd be thinking about Betty. That, or perhaps the kind of person who asks Matt Groening to draw him a naked picture of Marge Simpson (it was in a Life is Hell comic). So, the target audience is therefore either: a guy who's three million years away from Earth with no other company than an anally retentive hologram, a cleaning droid, a senile computer and a creature that evolved from the ship's cat; or it's sad, pathetic lonely losers obsessed with cartoons. Bit of a niche market, either way

It's really hard (oo-err, Vicar…) trying to review a film that's just on 30 minutes long (fnarr-fnarr, chortle, chortle) and has less plot than the average Carry On flick in more detail than this. There simply isn't all that much for me to say. I mean, what do you want to hear? The cum-shots looked good? The animated cocks totally dominated the animated pussies? What the hell do you want me to say??!!
It's a fucking cartoon (literally!) – what do you want me to say?! It looks good in terms of the print/transfer/whatever. It's just that after I watched it I felt like I need a drink and a shower…
See above. Oh, and the English language dub is a slightly different translation to the subtitles. Watching it with the English dub, with US accents, was a weirder experience than the Japanese with English subtitles – probably just the intonation and expression adding meaning, I guess.
Extra Features
Well, there's a Slide Show for the real perverts who just can't get enough, a series of Outtakes (in an anime?! Actually some of them are quite funny and should have been left in – the one where Shino talks to another Professor in gangsta-speak especially), the Original US Trailer, Trailers for a range of other hentai films: Anyone You Can Do, I Can Do Better, Dragon Pink, and Hot For Teacher. None of these are really going to rock my world… I did like the fact that the DVD cover is reversible – the reverse of the Australian cover, which has a bloody great OFLC consumer advice label on the front, like all R4 DVDs, doesn't have the OFLC label, and has slightly different artwork – Shino's exposing a boob, which isn't the case on the original.
The Verdict
Not for me, and despite the fact it's well made; I just felt weird watching it. What kind of person besides the loneliest otaku in the world would actively seek this kind of thing out? Anime used to have plots, back in the day – Urotsukidoji, for example – this is just anime-porn. You keep waiting for someone to turn up with a bad false moustache claiming to be a pool cleaner. There's nothing here for the film fan here. I don't think I'll be going back to the hentai well anytime soon.
Movie Score
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