Cover Art

Credits

Director: Yuichiro Miyake Starring: Erena Keibara, Mina Motoyama, Koichi Kawaguchi, Chuta Kijima, Joe Hayato, Keisuke Itori, Cyushou Mibu, Kanata Meou, Taro Daikanyama, Shiki Asakura; Screenplay: Hajime Yamaguchi Music: Riverside Music Country: Japan

Professor Shino is the Chemistry professor at an un-named High school, who seems hell bent on fucking the be-Jesus out of her students (when she's not teaching them how to fuck) in this animated tale of wrongness. I'm a 50-50 fan of anime. When it's good, as in Ghost in the Shell, Akira, Ninja Scroll, Wicked City or the Urotsukidoji films, it can be pretty fucking impressive. At other times (the anime version of Ichi springs readily to mind), it can be as though Satan has vomited bleach into your eyeballs. This lurks somewhere between the two – impressive in the animation stakes, but bleach-worthy in that there is zero plot and characterisation, and appears to be some kind of bizarre "fucking the sexy teacher" fetish film. And the fact that a number of the main characters and folks doing the fucking are teenagers – how in the Sam Hill did this scoot by the OFLC untouched, when Ken Park (obviously adult actors, remember, despite portraying teenagers) ran afoul of their evil clutches? It can't be because of the fact that they're cartoon characters, surely? I mean, while I can't say as I enjoyed Ken Park, I could at least recognise the artistic merit of that film, and it's seriousness – this film is little more than exploitative tat.

I was put in mind of the video clip of Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" (incidentally the title of another hentai film from Critical Mass) while watching this – an infantile desire to fuck and otherwise sexualise your teacher (the nadir of which would have to be Venom's song "Teacher's Pet", featuring the following opening gambit, "Teacher caught me masturbating underneath the desk/She looked at me and winked her eye, said I'll see you after class…"), the desire to do such eludes me. Maybe I'm weird, but I never had fuck-fantasies about teachers when I was at high school. But then again, my teachers never looked like Shino. Sorry, I'm just trying to work out in my mind the kind of person who this is aimed at (I'm thinking teenagers, which would make Siren's decision to release this in Australia a bit of an own goal, given it's R18 rating in this country) – porn is a subjective thing, I guess, and what arouses one person is going to disgust another. Or in my case with this film, I was neither aroused nor disgusted. I was faintly amused at times (giggling at the awful dialogue, mainly), bored at others (the sex scenes did go on a bit – and that's a bad thing if they're failing to do what they're meant to – i.e. arouse an audience), and confused at yet others (the community-service like spiels Shino gives about sex while coaching two teenagers to fuck seemed just bizarre).

Actually, in terms of target audience – I've got it! For the Red Dwarf fans out there – think back to the episode where Lister and the Cat are watching The Flintstones, and start debating about who they'd rather have sex with, Wilma Flintstone or Betty Rubble, and come to the conclusion that you'd be with Wilma, but you'd be thinking about Betty. That, or perhaps the kind of person who asks Matt Groening to draw him a naked picture of Marge Simpson (it was in a Life is Hell comic). So, the target audience is therefore either: a guy who's three million years away from Earth with no other company than an anally retentive hologram, a cleaning droid, a senile computer and a creature that evolved from the ship's cat; or it's sad, pathetic lonely losers obsessed with cartoons. Bit of a niche market, either way