Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre (2005)
By: Devon B. on June 18, 2007  |  Comments  |  Bookmark and Share
Wicked Pictures (USA). All Regions, NTSC. 1.85:1 (16:9 enhanced). English DD 5.1, French DD 2.0. 151 minutes
The Movie
Director: Jonathan Morgan
Starring: Stormy Daniels, Jessica Drake, Voodoo, Kinzie Kenner, Scott Nails, Tommy Gunn
Tagline: "You'll be scared shirtless"
Country: USA
Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre is evidently the first porn film to be released in the HD format. While it might be really cool to have a review of a HD porno at Digital Retribution, I don't have an HD player, so you're stuck with a review of the standard DVD release. When I say "standard," I just mean the normal DVD version, as it's a three disc extravaganza filled with…well, sex mostly.

Camp Cuddly Pines opens with some college "kids" on their way to a Mettalicide concert that they all mysteriously won tickets to, with the token nerd documenting the whole trip a la Blair Witch. On the way they run over some dude (like four times), then they end up at the titular camp. The girls wander off and run into an old kook who tells them the local horror legend, a back story that takes up a lot of screen time, but since each flashback is a sex scene, I guess that's all right. The local legend is naturally about the local killer, who is some sort of sex maniac that likes to spy on people fucking before offing them with power tools. Anyway, two of the male leads manage to score with ghosts or spirits while the girls are away, while the other nerdy guy has to wait for the flesh and blood girls to come back to get any action.

Camp Cuddly Pines has a few okay lines, a few terrible ones, and some very funny moments. There are certainly recycled jokes, with gags lifted from Friday the 13th, National Lampoon's Vacation, and The Simpsons, but there are moments of zany originality as well. The acting is generally passable and appropriate for a goofy horror send up. Camp Cuddly Pines takes jabs at the aforementioned Friday the 13th series, I Know What You Did Last Summer(s), Blair Witch, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Scream, and 80s slashers in general. The killer wears a clown mask, which also reminded me of Camp Blood, but the splatter in Camp Cuddly Pines is even more low budget, rivalling that found in Sorority House Massacre 2. I guess that makes sense, though, as a lot of people who would be watching porn maybe don't want a lot of red bodily fluids mixing with white ones. Anyway, the weirdest parody came in a porno version of The Ring, featuring one herky-jerky blowjob.

Speaking of the oral sex, I had some problems with it in Camp Cuddly Pines. Firstly, there was a tendency to go from vaginal back to oral, but a lot of the guys wear prophylactics, so the girls are just sucking on rubbers. What's with that? Is this appealing to people? Also, a few of the girls make weird noises - which I guess are meant to be pleasurable groans - while giving head, but the sounds just seemed like gagging to me, which was disturbing. There is some really bad silicone on display, but most of the women look good, bar the one in the final sex scene who appears to be the descendant of some sort of stick insect. The final sex scene is also the only one where the word "vanilla" wouldn't be an apt description, so be warned if you're looking for anything beyond straight oral and vaginal.

Camp Cuddly Pines may not be the greatest horror porn ever (as we all know that's The Geek) but it does have the best pick up line of all time: "Now just put the penis in your mouth. It'll really bring out your hotness."
Camp Cuddly Pines is presented at approximately 1.85:1 and is 16x9 enhanced. It's shot on higher end video, and looks pretty sharp, but smoke and fog hazes can cause a blurring of the image. According to one review I read, the HD release doesn't offer much better image quality, which is something to keep in mind.
The audio is available in 5.1, but it seemed to be very centre speaker focused. You can also view the film with dialogue only, score only or German only tracks. The German dub is only available in 2.0, though, so if you're wanting to get your rocks off auf Deutsch, you're fucked.
Extra Features
This is a deluxe three-disc set, with a lot of the special features being pertinent (ie, sex related). The first disc has a commentary track with the director and two of the stars. It gets a bit repetitive, and some of the jokes are lame, but it is entertaining hearing the performers whinge about the conditions they were expected to have sex in.

Disc two sports a 49 minute, often tongue-in-cheek, making of that is generally entertaining. A short featurette about the casting of a key role is quite funny, with a lot of the auditioning actresses unable to say simple lines. There's also an even shorter featurette on location scouting, and a look at girls from the film doing promo shots. An Internet cartoon called Stormy Bangs Betty (featuring one of the women from Camp Cuddly Pines) is available in wide or full screen, but either way is pretty silly. There's a bloopers section, but it makes the mistake of leading with the funniest clip. The three main extras on this disc are Rayford cam, 43 minutes of footage shot by the Rayford character which has some acting, but is mostly sex; a 47 minute behind the scenes sex reel; and a trivia game. The trivia game gets a mention because that stick insect from the final scene comes back to ask questions. Get 'em right, and she strips, get 'em all right, and there's a more substantial bonus. Finishing off this disc is the trailer.

Disc three has four extended sex scenes, plus two bonus sex scenes from other movies featuring stars from Camp Cuddly Pines. There's also an outtake sex scene with an introduction by the director; the scene is an alternate finale sex scene. A large photo gallery is divided into four sub sections, and there're also star stats for five of the women. Less specific extras is a look at the Wicked DVD catalogue, trailers for other Wicked titles, Wicked's promo reels for adult conventions, and some phone sex ads that get can get explicit. This disc has DVD-Rom content, including a company profile, a casino game, award winners and nominees, website info, and desktops.

All three discs also have Easter eggs, but I must confess I had problems with them on disc one. Not in that I didn't like them, in that they refused to work. I tried the DVD on two different players, but I could only get them to work by skipping to their title, or by just clicking the mouse on the egg from the menu. Each of the eggs are selected by highlighting an actual picture of an egg on the menu, so where they're supposed to be is quite easy to find. I just couldn't get them to work on disc one. Other reviews have said they're easy to find, so maybe it's just my players. On disc one, the eggs are on the main menu, each of the scene selections menus, and the set up menu. These eggs are all deleted scenes, with intros by the director. I had better luck with disc two. From the main menu, press right on "More" to highlight the egg. Press enter to see a guy working on a car get angry. In the Stormy Bangs Betty menu, press left on "Play Full Screen" to highlight the egg then press enter to see a discussion on Humpkins. There's also a sneaky egg, also on the main menu. When you've first loaded the disc, press left on "Scouting a Massacre" to highlight an egg in the same spot as the angry mechanic egg, but this time it's a list for a good time. Essentially the menu alternates between which egg will work, but it did seem when the menu first loaded it was that egg, and any time going back to it, it would be the mechanic one. On disc three, when the main menu first loads, press left twice on "Star Stats" to highlight the egg. Press enter to see some lubing up antics. Be quick, though, because after the menu resets, it will be a different egg. For the second egg, press right on "Wicked Extras" to highlight "Extended Sex Scenes" at the top. If you don't go to "Extended Sex Scenes" from "Wicked Extras," the egg doesn't work. After getting to "Extended Sex Scenes," press now to highlight the egg, then press enter to see the director acting out what he wants done for his performers…thankfully without any hardcore sex. On the extended scenes menu, press left from "Main Menu" to highlight the egg; press enter to see a star using his cock as a coat rack. In the photo galleries menu, press left on "Photo Gallery," then hit enter to see the crew plagued by bugs. In the bonus sex scenes menu, press left from "Main Menu" then up to highlight the egg, then press enter for a porn physics lesson.
The Verdict
At over two and half hours, Camp Cuddly Pines is a bit too long to watch in one sitting. Clearly a lot of fun was had on set, at least during the non-sex scenes, and that makes the movie as a whole more enjoyable. The DVD is pretty expensive, but Camp Cuddly Pines clearly cost more than the usual porn to make, and Wicked didn't skimp on extras. You get lots of additional ways to view most of the sex scenes, so you can get more of your favourite moments, and there are even bonus sex scenes, which is just about the best extra there could be on a porn DVD.
Movie Score
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