Dracula (1994)
By: Devon B. on May 9, 2007  |  Comments  |  Bookmark and Share
Colmax (USA). All Regions, NTSC. 4:3. English DD 2.0, French DD 2.0. 64 minutes
The Movie
Director: Mario Salieri
Starring: Selen, Joy Karins, Simona Valli, Deborah Wells, Maeva, Draghixa, Tanya La Riviere, Dalila, Ron Jeremy
Country: USA
Dracula marks my first time seeing Ron Jeremy in an adult role. While I heard he was a man of many talents, particularly in the auto-fellation sense, here he demonstrates an ability I would've thought might be worth marketing. Before climaxing, Jeremy seems able to get thinner. This process must also do something to his face, because when it happens, you never see it on screen. I'd say he was a shape shifting vampire, but Jeremy's one of the living in this one.

Anyway, I would suspect most readers know the story of Dracula, but here it's a bit different, so lemme break it on down for you. The movie opens with Vlad the Impaler trying to get his wife to flee before a Turk invasion of Romania, but she won't leave his side. Vlad is killed in battle, but vows to be a right pain in God's backside. His queen is captured and taken to be mentally tortured so she will give herself to the conquering sultan. He doesn't just want to possess her body, he wants it in a variety of positions on her dead husband's grave, and with two other girls helping at times. Under the sultan's rule, sex becomes a large factor in life, and poor distraught, sullied Mrs Vlad can't handle living anymore so she tops herself on her husband's grave. This reawakens Vlad, I guess, but you don't really see him again till the very end. No, what the story actually focuses on are some relatives offin' and boppin' each other in a vie for an inheritance.

This movie really shouldn't be called Dracula; he's only in it briefly. Instead, it should probably be Occasional Vampire Disturbance Between People Fucking. The film, aside from being a porno, is mostly a silly, dull drama, but when the vampires do appear, it can be funny. Not on purpose, of course, but there is one very poorly edited scene featuring a very shoddy fake head projectile vomiting that is sure to illicit laughs. The costuming is like that of a very, very low rent BBC drama. Of course none of that truly matters, as this is mainly a porno film. The sex can be a bit jumpy, confused, and hard to see in terms of the camera angle, but some of the scenes aren't bad. Aside from some armpit fucking, the sex is all pretty straightforward, though.

However, there is a fairly large problem with the sex scenes, because Occasional Vampire Disturbance Between People Fucking is dubbed. Badly. The characters all sound like cartoons, the dubbers seem to be confused about what's happening on screen, and they even make fun of some scenes and laugh. In the English version, characters will actually tell you things like that they have their hands on their hips, and one character comes out with one of the greatest bits of dialogue in the history of motion pictures: " I can't believe I'm fucking my cousin in the ass…and it's good!" I know that people will sometimes use the "I watch porn because it's funny" argument as an excuse to watch porn because they want to wank, but with Occasional Vampire Disturbance Between People Fucking, it mostly only has humour value. I can't imagine anyone being too captivated by sex scenes that sound like the King of Town from Homestar Runner is having an orgasm.
The movie is presented full frame. It's shot on video, and has video grain, but is generally pretty sharp. The colours are a bit muted, but otherwise the transfer's fine.
Audio is available in two channel English or French tracks. The title cards appears to be in Italian, so this is probably just two dubs done for the North American market. The French track is slightly more restrained, with better vocal acting, and is therefore preferable if you can understand it. Ron Jeremy is dubbed in the English version as well, which is weird.
Extra Features
A website address for Colmax.
The Verdict
The DVD sleeve says Occasional Vampire Disturbance Between People Fucking is the apotheosis of director Mario Saleri's career, so I'll be avoiding anything else he's done. Horror fans can keep well away, though there may be appeal to raincoaters who speak French or don't care about talking, as there's plenty of sex by the film's end. But really the people that will like this best will be fans of bad dubbing. As a horror film, it gets a one, as a porn, a three. Since it really is a porn, I'll have to give it the latter score.
Movie Score
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