Die You Zombie Bastards! (2005)
By: Mr Intolerance on April 17, 2007  |  Comments  |  Bookmark and Share
Image (USA). Region 1, NTSC. 4:3. English DD 2.0. English Subtitles. 99 minutes
The Movie
Director: Caleb Emerson
Starring: Tim Gerstmar, Geoff Mosher, Jamie Gillis
Screenplay: Haig Demarjian, Caleb Emerson
Tagline: The first ever serial-killer superhero rock n' roll zombie road movie romance
Country: USA
The story's pretty simple, really. Cannibal serial killer Red Toole (which I'm currently thinking of changing my name to) circles the globe in search of his equally cannibalistic and murderous wife Violet, who's been kidnapped by the evil Baron Nefarious (oh yes), who, after seeing Violet on a TV gameshow ("Wifeswapping Rodeo" – I kid you not) wants her to be his wife…after he gives her breast implants of truly Russ Meyer proportions, of course. He's also got some plans to conquer the world by making everyone into zombie slaves with his Enormo-Zombotron.

Yes, it's THAT good.

Basically, this is a demented 50s/60s B-grader sci-fi/horror flick for the gorehound/splatter set, with lashings of genuinely (intentionally) hysterical black humour. For example, when Red, in an opening scene, is about to kill a teen couple making out in a car with a great big fuck off scythe, he stops when the girl tells the guy she loves him – so Red promptly runs off to kill a bunch of dreadlocked, bong smoking hippies in an extremely funny, Jackson-esque rampage. He then goes home to Violet and when she – hey, let's do this in script form:

Violet: How was yours? (Day, that is)

Red: (lovingly) I just got through killing a bunch of dirty hippies! And, I got you a present!

Violet: (excited) What is it?

(Red produces a suitcase full of organs and body parts, which they both chow down on – Violet ties some guts around her head)

A bit later on…

Violet: You know what I love?

Red: (excited) Rubber dicks?!

Violet: (confused) Well… yeah, but that's not what I was going to say…

Red: (still very excited) Rubber dicks slathered to the hilt in peanut butter?

Let's draw a veil over these proceedings, shall we?

Oh, what the hell, one more – in one wonderful sequence Red and Violet go for a picnic – eating a human head "Mmmm, stinky" – right next to a family with small children, sloshing blood and brains all over themselves – "It IS fucking lovely."

There's loads of inappropriate sound effects (eg when Red attacks the hippies, he's overdubbed with baby noises – a recurring and quite funny motif), lots of dick and fart jokes (eg the female scientists with loads of VERY phallic instruments, the "amphibicock", Red's superhero costume made of human skin with a severed penis attached to the front of his superhero undies, Baron Nefarious' monster schlong, which he gets his zombie girl slaves to beat relentlessly with hammers – "Now, which one of you is going to play with my ass?!"), wonderful amounts of boobs (of especial note is the totally bodacious and boobalicious SuperInga, an obvious tip of the hat to Russ Meyer – when she's naked and on all fours on the bar and says "You can ride me like an ibex" I was practically chewing the sofa in sexual ecstacy – time for the ménage a moi…), Olaf the Cheese Demon, over the top splatter a la Brain Dead and Bad Taste, Coconut Head Face Man, nipples mutilated by boiling cheese, monsters, zombies, a mad scientist, dog-man hybrids, robots, cannibals, serial-killers, superheroes, and, in the climactic fight scene, Vlad the Impaler – movies don't get much better than this.

A prime moment: Baron Nefarious at College in a flashback – having learnt to make lab rats do his bidding, he shoves a whole mess of them down his pants, screaming out: "Now, my darlings, feast upon my testicles!" Then we get the further flashback of "The Faulty Upbringing of Young Nefarious" – hilarity ensues.

Die You Zombie Bastards! (actually a line from the film – hooray!) deserves instant cult classic status. This isn't some lame horror/comedy – it's outright comedy, and a very fucking funny one.

Plus, Violet's kinda hot in a trailer-trash meets Suicide Girls kinda way.

And, Tim Gerstmar as Red Toole is totally fucking hysterical – he mugs and hams it up like a bitch, prancing about and pulling the weirdest faces – slapstick wonderfulness. Plus, any film where a character kills zombies with cheese bombs is brilliant by default.
The non-anamorphic full frame transfer is sometimes deliberately bad (the intro, for example), at other times competent, but never better.
The stero trick is at some times loud to the point of distortion, and Rockabilly legend Hasil Adkins appears to be speaking some form of Linear B.
Extra Features
This film was obviously a labour of love. There's an audio commentary (nowhere near as entertaining as the film), a remarkably detailed Behind the Scenes feature, recordings of a few of the ADR sessions, two (mostly incoherent) interviews with Hasil Adkins, an interview with the director/co-writer, and two videos for Sawzail and Demon Seeds (bands who contributed to the soundtrack) .
The Verdict
I laughed so hard I nearly shat my spine out of my arse. If you love horror – especially of the Ed Wood or Evil Dead vein – and you love a good laugh and a playful swipe at the genre, then you will love this like a bitch. Matter of fact, why the fuck are you still reading this – go out now and buy the fucker! Only the distorting sound is an irritant, but it's only infrequent. Nevertheless, one star off. This movie is very silly, but it's also very, very funny. Get your mates in, get the beers and pizza in – you'll have one hell of a night.
Movie Score
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