| Cover Art |
 |
| Credits |
Director: Bill Zebub
Starring: Jeanne Potter, Rocco Martone, Michael Cucciniello, Thomas Russo, Johnny Paoline, Bill Zebub, George The Slayer, Fred the Elephant Boy, Deanna Scala, Freddie Dingo, jenyphyre Ligieri, Professor Dumdum
Screenplay: Bill Zebub
Music: Korovakill
Country: USA |
Bill Zebub is perhaps best known for his 'zine The Grand Grimoire of Exalted Deeds, but every so often he steps behind the movie camera to unleash unspeakable cinematic terrors on to the populace. One such foray yielded this,The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made, but it doesn't really live up to its title. Actually, Zebub's own Jesus Christ Serial Rapist is far worse, and given that The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made features Jesus as a rapist, one wonders if the titles got accidentally swapped?
The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made opens with an outtake of the police interrupting filming. This is the most coherent section of the movie.
Some friends have gathered for a card game. Tensions mount about money, shitting, and sex, and various members of the party begin wandering off alone, which is always a mistake in a horror film. Two fall to their deaths (featuring melon head breaks that would do the guys at Hack Movies proud), and another is assaulted by a banana. One woman is killed by an aluminium foil-axe wielding, carpet eyebrow twitching, masturbating maniac, and another dies when a game of 52 Pick Up goes terribly wrong. The two survivors decide they should run off and become vigilantes. That's roughly the first 10 minutes.
There's no happily ever after for this couple though. They must survive a werewolf, a poo monster, crazed military men, gypsies, a giant woman incident, Jesus, a laser abortion, ghosts, and a baby killer with a lactation fixation… and that's still only 30 minutes in! We've still got an alien, a mummy, a Jack Frost knockoff, a lesbian vampire and more to come.
Okay, so The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made is really a pastiche of cheap horror films, and is at times funny. Some of the jokes are amusing in that stupid sort of way, while some are just stupid. The acting is bad, which makes sense, and the same people pop up again and again. The film's cheapness is meant to be a joke, so toy soldiers are used for battle scenes, the mummy is just wrapped in toilet paper, etc. Oddly, there are some insightful satirical elements, like the telling off of an army guy for not keeping church and state separate, but even more odd is a lack of female nudity. How do you send up cheap horror movies without hot naked chicks?
Anyway, as I said, it's not really the worst horror movie ever made. Maybe The Most Ridiculous Horror Movie Ever Made or even The Most Manic Horror Movie Ever Made, but not worst. Actually, it could make a bid for The Most Offensive Horror Movie Ever Made. The film is gleefully unPC, with something to offend everyone. While I've long had the impression Zebub is a bigot, here everyone gets nailed, and I'd say Christians are the target gone after with the most vehemence. Any movie that features Jesus as a voyeur who masturbates through the hole in his palm has something going for it in my book, a book called Devon Likes Obscenely Distasteful Jokes At Christians' Expense.
The disc runs 83 minutes, but the film ends with nine minutes of outtakes that might amuse those involved in the production, and roughly four minutes from Zebub's Dirtbags. This little snippet from Dirtbags has nudity, further highlighting its absence in the main feature, and Type O Negative main man Peter Steele. |
