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Credits |
Director: Anne Goursaud
Starring: Alyssa Milano, Martin Kemp, Charlotte Lewis, Rachel True, Jennifer Tilly
Screenplay: Rick Bitzelberger, Nicole Coady, Halle Eaton
Music: Joseph Williams
Tagline: The innocence is over.
Country: USA
AKA: The Nosferatu Diaries: Embrace of the Vampire |
Just shy of four minutes (don't forget that
includes the intro credits) into Embrace
of the Vampire, three topless vamps assault
Martin Kemp and turn him into one of the undead.
This makes poor Martin sad because it separates
him from his girlfriend. He refers to his girlfriend
as his "virgin," despite the fact it
appears he had sex with her moments before the vamps
attack him.
Flash forward a couple hundred years or so (centuries
that Kemp has spent tyring to figure out how the
three vamps managed to get silicone implants in
the time of nobles and peasants, no doubt), and
Kemp has found a reincarnate of his "virgin,"
Alyssa Milano. He must get her to love him within
three days or he dusts to dusts it, but instead
of telling her just how much he knows is true,
he whines and pontificates over her. Within 10
minutes you'll be wishing for a modern Van
Helsing to show up and put a stop to the vampire
monologues. Anyway, Kemp begins to affect a change
on his reincarnated love, who is innocent and
pure in this lifetime, too.
The very lame, clichéd script focuses
on college life and sex, and isn't really
brought vibrancy by the drab performances or silly
scenes with vampires trying real hard to look
like they can bite people through nets. It's
a very blah blah blah vampire movie that parades
around 2-D characters with vague and possibly
incongruent motivations. For example, if Kemp
wants this pure girl, why does he turn her into
a mean snot? Jennifer Tilly also pops in to ham
up the screen, so if you're some sorry Jennifer
Tilly completist…you've probably already
seen this.
Of course, this movie could be about a vampire
who has narcolepsy that gets trigged whenever
he sees moonlight and the film still would've
earned some notoriety for being the first flick
to feature Alyssa Milano nude. She doesn't
waste any time, getting into the buff by her second
scene. She's repeatedly nude, with great
care taken to work in scenes where she can undress,
including a completely unexplained boudoir photo
shoot where this "repressed" girl
needs very little coaxing to get nekkid. Four
stars!
Director Anne Goursaud also got Milano to bare
all in the straight to video thriller Poison
Ivy II, and in a just world, that would
qualify her for some sort of lifetime achievement
award. |