| Cover Art |
 |
| Credits |
Director: L.A. McConnell
Starring: Billy Zabka,
Dana Ashbrook, Alex Jolig, Simmone Jade MacKinnon,
Marcus Aurelius
Screenplay: Jeff Rank
Country: USA |
Evidently, someone was curious about the origins
of the snake in Python,
because Python II dutifully explains
where that snake came from. Unfortunately, it looks
like we're gonna have to wait for Python
III to understand any information related
to the snakes in this particular instalment.
The Russian and American military set out to
catch a big snakey; another serpent that growls,
but this one also groans and screams. I'm
not sure how this snake ended up in Russia, but
it did. The terrible CG plane (an apparent standard
in giant snake movies) gets shot down, then some
people foolishly open the snake's container.
Unaware that the snake is free, Sheriff Johnny
from Python shows up and hires
a transporter and his Russian wife to collect
something, but they're not told what. The
transporter's suspicions are first aroused
when he sees some people that are part of the
team he's joined, and thinks they're
too big to be movers (!???).
It really has to be stressed that it is Sheriff
Johnny from the first movie, because character
wise he's become such a jerk that you'd
never know. Maybe the filmmakers were saying the
FBI corrupts people that have redeemed themselves
just prior to entering their ranks? Anywho, the
transporter and his wife share some crappy scene
about letting the past go, and then they're
off to do their job. When they get to the facility
where the snake is, they quickly learn it's
out…and that there's not just one.
Lacking the pacing and humour of its predecessor, Python II drags along, wallowing
in silliness. I assume the "foreign"
members of the team were Russian…but they
can't read Russian. Maybe they were illiterate?
I don't know, but that's silly. One
of the centre's name acronyms to RAMJO,
and that's very silly. Even sillier is that
all the foreigners talk in English.
The silliest things of all are the snakes themselves,
which take about 40 minutes to even really get
to work. First of all, where the hell did the
extra snakes come from? Was the first one pregnant
and gave birth during the bad CG plane transportation?
And if so, how'd the babies fit in the container
with the mother? And even if they did fit, how
the hell'd they get so large so quickly?
These snakes bite their prey and let go, and their
CGI elements are STILL not fully merged with the
background image. The snakes are often portrayed
via slow motion, fragmented CGI, attempting to
create a motion blur, I guess. I also assume this
was cheaper than smooth animation, 'cause
it sure as fuck couldn't have been for style.
But at least we get the greatest giant snake squeeze
scene of all time…no, wait, this one creates
a new genre of silly.
Watch for the magic rain that rains and then
not rains then rains again during a single conversation,
and also for the wimpiest grenade throw of all
time. |
