Cover Art

Credits

Director: Dan Hoskins Starring: Jamie Rose, Catherine Carlen, Lycia Naff, Don Calfa, Billy Bob Thornton Screenplay: Dan Hoskins Music: Daniel May Country: USA

Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town is summed up pretty effectively by its title. A gang of biker women make a pit stop in a Podunk mining town that finds itself overwhelmed by zombies. Sounds interesting when you look at it like that. Sounds like something with promise. Oh, hang on… this is Troma. But even that presents a huge problem – even if it is Troma, the directors usually try to find something to make the film likeable, or to appeal to a niche audience who will love it until they die. I can't imagine a single damned thing that would endear this film even to Troma purists for more than half an hour. All that potential – the Troma potential that is – vacates Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town as soon as the girls arrive, leaving a flat, uninspired snooze fest that's got about as much comedic value as Carrot Top stand up routines.

The main thrust of the story plays out like Re-Animator meets Plague of the Zombies. Only worse. Crazy scientist and dwarf hater Ralph Willum is killing people and bringing them back as zombies to work in the local mine. Girls rock up to get their rocks off, and the rest is history. Now, the core problem above comes down to far too many smaller gripes to get into in the space of this review, but the dominant detractors are obvious from the get go. The actors are awful (yes, even for Troma), the production values are worse (yes, even for Troma), and the script, along with the way this film actually plays out, is almost on par with Frost: Portrait of a Vampire, as being one of the worst things I've laid eyes on.

The great thing about other Troma films, is that they usually try to get relatively attractive girls to fill their roles, in spite of their acting prowess. Forget that here. Not only can't any of the girls act, not a single one of them elicits any sort of sexual response. There's one scene were the most unattractive beast of the whole group stomps into a bar (where they're holding the wake for the latest death), changes the music to some incredibly poor power rock track, and proceeds to perform the most unappealing 'tease' dance, which is intercut with the rest of the Cycle Sluts (their biker gang name) screwing around with the locals. It's awful, truly, truly awful. The rest of the cast is made up predominantly of locals and no-namers, though a couple of recognisable names (including one who's presence is made almost a selling point of the DVD) are there. Earl Boen, who plays Sarah Connor's psychiatrist in the Terminator films is in there to a very limited capacity, and then of course, there's Billy Bob Thornton. As I said, his name is used as a selling point for this film, but even Billy Bob fans would turn their noses up at this. Sure, it's one of his first film roles, but he's still as ugly as sin and his performance is painful to watch. The only noteworthy performance in the whole film comes from Ed Gale, who plays the midget lackey to Ralph Willum (Ed also played Howard the Duck).

The story's progression is bogged down horrendously by pointless asides, making the whole thing feel like a continual drag, and when gags in the sequences fall flat (which is a constant) the drag becomes wearing – really wearing. Don't think that switching on the commentary is going to make the viewing experience any better either. Dan Hoskins, the writer and director gives what is without doubt the worst commentary I think I've ever listened to. The guy sounds as though he's preparing to open his wrists once the commentary is over! He talks about his work in such a negative and depressing way that listening to him is almost like watching the rape scene from Irreversible – you wish it would finish, but the further it goes the more desensitised you become until you just don't care anymore. It's as though failure had just completely taken over and manifested itself as a man, and were sitting there talking to you through horrible, tinny audio with an ever-present noise floor (that annoying buzz you get on poor audio recordings).

The core reason for his depression, and mine as the viewer, are the special effects (special as in "school for special children") and awful set pieces. Hoskins admits in his commentary he was aiming for realism, and well before you're exposed to the awful zombies, you're served with the shoddiest looking mine entrance ever put on film. Externally, it looks like something ripped straight out of Scooby Doo – only a cheap, knock off that looks as flimsy as a house of cards, while the inside is a blank wall that looks as though it's got that terrible "tile pattern" linoleum stuck to it. It's all supposed to look threatening and real but it's so unbelievably cheap that any idiot who buys into it deserves to be completely trounced.