| Cover Art |
 |
| Credits |
Director: Terry Lofton
and Bill Leslie
Starring: Rocky Patterson,
Ron Quen, Beau Leland, Michelle Meyer
Screenplay: Terry Lofton
Country: USA |
I first tried to watch Nail Gun Massacre when I was about 12 years old. My family had rented
it for a Halloween horror fest. Given that the film
opens with a gang rape, we weren't very far
into the movie before my prudish mother insisted
it be turned off.
As the film opens, we're
very quickly introduced to The Score. This is
the ne plus ultra of 80s synth. So powerful is
this musical accompaniment, you will often be
paying more attention to it than the dialogue.
Of course, that's partially because you
can't hear the dialogue though the majesty
of The Score.
Anyway, after the rape, Nail Gun Massacre cuts to a hairy hick at home getting attacked
by a weirdo in camouflage gear and a biker helmet
with a visor covered in what looks like electrical
tape. The killer is also sporting a high powered
nail gun (hence the film's title). The killer
makes clever quips like, after shooting someone
in the forehead, 'Those are the worst headaches…the
ones between the eyes. Muwahahahahaha.'
Don't be fooled, it's not just the
lame one-liners that set this killer apart from
your other slashers, this killer actually RUNS!
After this murder, we get the opening credits,
which segue into one of the most gratuitous nude
scenes to be found outside the hardcore porno
genre. This is a great movie! This guy is leaving
his nubile, naked, non-thespian partner to cut
fire wood with his friend. The two guys cutting
wood also get nailed. The police force (of one,
regardless of the number of murders) gets called
in. For assistance, the cop gets a doctor to help.
This doctor likes to wear denim jackets and grey
muscle shirts because he's 'tired
of white.' I'm thinking they couldn't
actually afford another costume, so just included
a line about the doc's bizarre wardrobe.
The pair set about figuring out who's behind
the murders. What follows is a mystery rivalled
only by The Maltese Falcon for
complexity.
Nail Gun Massacre is one of
the so-bad-it's-good champions, and is an
absolute rarity in that the intentional humour
is also so bad it makes the move funnier. The
acting…words can not be found to describe
it, and if there were words, 'acting'
probably wouldn't be one of 'em. The
gore is mostly wobbly nails glued to people, characters
ramble to themselves, the camerawork is shaky,
and the script is silly and padded. The story's
not complex, but many things get repeated for
clarification.
There is way too much going on here to pick it
all apart, but this is one of the best movies
ever for a Mystery Science Theater 3000 night
with your friends. |
