Deadly Weapons (1974)
By: Devon B. on January 20, 2006  |  Comments  |  Bookmark and Share
DVD
Siren Visual Entertainment (Australia). All Regions, NTSC. 4:3. English DD 1.0. 75 minutes
The Movie
Credits
Director: Doris Wishman
Starring: Zsa Zsa, Harry Reems, Greg Reynolds, Saul Meth, Phillip Stahl
Screenplay: J.J. Kendal
Tagline: She Doesn't Have Breasts, She Has Deadly Weapons!!!
Country: USA
Deadly Weapons is a true oddity of cinema. The film stars Chesty Morgan, whose measurements are a modest 73-32-36. I first saw this movie, and its follow up Double Agent 73, as a drive-in double feature on Joe Bob Briggs' sadly missed cable show. Why is it I always end up reviewing these sexploitation films that I hated the first time around?

Deadly Weapons isn't strong on plot. Chesty's sleazy beau is up to no good. After trying to pull a fast one on his boss, he gets done in by henchmen. Two written lines on paper, 25 tedious minutes on screen. The movie's pace never really picks up, so unfortunately it may be a bit of a spoiler to say even that Chesty sets out to get revenge, and it definitely is a spoiler to say HOW she gets vengeance. However, the DVD cover; most other reviews; and, honestly, the title mention it, so if you're greatly curious, just do a bit more research. I guess the idea was that there was no need for speed in terms of story because Chesty would be baring all to keep the audience entertained.

Chesty is evidently Israeli, and as such had great problems with her dialog. All of Chesty's lines are ADR, so she's often not visible on screen while talking. This could be forgiven, but the real stars of the show aren't as exciting as you might think. Yeah, they're 73-inches. 73-inches of veiny, floppy, droopy, slab of boob. They ain't jugs, they're full on buckets. When they ripple, it really is like an ocean wave. 33 seconds in the viewer gets deadly weaponed, so if that's all you want to see, just stop it there. As for the rest of Ms Morgan, she's otherwise quite frumpy. Her terrible platinum blond wig doesn't improve her overall sexuality. She does a strip routine at one point, and it's just that…routine. Chesty fumbles around a bit, then gets applause for odd things like removing a garter. She spends a lot of time looking disturbed and confused, and keeps staring at the ceiling, which I guess is better than the looking at the camera. Chesty spends so much time exposed that the nudity becomes desensitising while remaining completely unappealing. In fact, I got a surprise when a much more attractive girl is seen doing nude swimming aerobics because I'd forgotten nudity could be fun.

Deadly Weapons also stars Mr. Deepthroated, Harry Reems, but honestly, I have no idea what character he played because I don't know what he looks like. I'm not sure if that's sad or very, very good for me. The movie is very slow moving, with atrocious acting all around, and a facile twist ending. It might've been a so bad it's good in terms of plot and execution, but those breasts are downright scary and they're out a LOT.
Video
Deadly Weapons is presented at 1.33:1. The film has heavy spicks and specks, noticeable grain, and occasional splotches and lines. The overall image is a bit hazy, and the film suffers from colour tinges that cover the full frame. There are also a few blotches present for the entire film that make it look like dust has been wiped off the television monitor in a few places. That being said, I can't imagine Something Weird had much to work with.
Audio
The film is in the original mono according to my player, stereo according to sleeve. The sound is pretty shit, but it's hard to tell if the film is in synch or not because of the ADR. I'm actually not even sure if it was shot with synch sound, as a lot of dialog occurs off screen, and there's quite a few characters' thought processes presented in voiceover. The levels of volume are fine, and again, what did Something Weird have to start with?
Extra Features
For extras, we get the trailer, as well as one for the follow up Chesty feature Double Agent 73. There's a gallery of Doris Wishman movie art, and a four minute featurette on breast development featuring vintage nudity.
The Verdict
The big mystery about Deadly Weapons is where did anyone find a bikini that fit Chesty? That top must've originally been a red polka dot curtain. If your interest is piqued, watch Serial Mom, as one character has a wank (!) to either this film or Double Agent 73. If that's not enough for you, with Chesty, there's always more. Deadly Weapons is a perfect film for Something Weird to have released, but probably belongs in their horror line, and I wouldn't even advise a rental.
Movie Score
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