Thirt3en Erotic Ghosts (2002)
By: Devon B. on December 26, 2005  |  Comments  |  Bookmark and Share
Eagle Entertainment (Australia). All Regions, PAL. 1.75:1 (Non-anamorphic). English DD 2.0. 71 minutes
The Movie
Cover Art
Director: Nicholas Medina
Starring: Julie Strain, Jay Richardson, Peter Spellos, Mia Zottoli, Zen, Zero, Aria Giovanni, Felony
Screenplay: Nicholas Medina
Country: USA
I've made a few mistakes in my life. Like the time I leapt off a bridge before checking the depth of the river below and landed in less than two meters of water. Or the time I was poking a large estuarine crocodile in the foot through a fence and it lunged at my partner. But by far the mistake I regret the most is when I mistook Thirt3en Erotic Ghosts for a Chinese horror movie. I figured all the ghosts in Chinese cinema are trying to mate with men, so it was probably just a standard horror movie from there. I emit a yelp of delight when a review pack turns up, similar in tone if not intent to a certain woman's overreacting yelp when a crocodile took a nip in her direction. This time my yelp turned to a full on scream of dismay when I found a Julie Strain DVD instead of the latest Chinese ghost story. It's not that I have a problem with the new wave of lesbian, nudie, horror flicks, I just find the preview is usually plenty.

Thirt3en Erotic Ghosts starts with the words 'A Real Long Time Ago' flashed onscreen. I was thrilled that I was actually about to view a softcore porno horror that also thought it was a comedy. At a private school for 'naughty girls,' Julie and two pasty girls (the Porcelain Twins) frolic in a gothic pool and suck on a chrome dildo. I'm not sure why if they want to suck something phallic they don't just have a guy there. The girls suck opposite ends of the dildo at the same time, which seems like it could end in tears or at the very least a terrible gag reaction. After about four minutes of heavy lesbian petting, the chrome dildo conducts some lightening and the three women unconvincingly try to look shocked. The school burns in the least believable fire FX ever.

Years later, a TV crew shows up. The host is a paedophile according to his first scene, though admittedly on the high end of that particular crime, favouring a 14 year old. It's also a 14 year old boy, which makes it seem odd he seems attracted to the female spirits, but whatever. The TV producer claims her breasts are 100% real in this early scene as well. The crew enter the house, and use some very high tech glasses to see the ghosts. I'm not sure why they think they need them, because often they don't.

Anyway, the producer wanders off while the cameraman and host crack bad jokes. She discovers a ghost, which quickly turns into our second lesbian encounter. Once the producer's top is off, it is revealed that by '100% real,' she must've meant 'mostly silicone.' I guess that's why she mumbled that line, hoping it would be missed. Then again, she mumbles nearly every line, so who's to know? Anyway, I must admit to not being a fan of implants. Even a well done job like Julie's will not look right if focused on too long, and that definitely happens in Thirt3en Erotic Ghosts.

The 'story' continues on as little more than a wrap around to softcore lesbian romps. The crew want to film the ghosts, but I'm not sure why. Anything they captured would presumably look just like the softcore lesbian porn it is. The acting is appalling, and the usual porno logic applies when it comes to sex scenes. Ghosts have tattoos; breaking of the 4th wall is taken to new heights of stupidity; people talk to the camera like they're being interviewed, which is just confusing; high heel shoes are used as more phallic imagery, leaving me wondering why the target audience wouldn't just get some hetero hardcore; and the dialog is painful. To be completely fair, a few lines might be amusing if they weren't in this film. Being surrounded by so many dud gags and being performed by amateur thespians is bound to hurt any joke's impact. The sheer amount of failed gags wear the senses down and make it hard to remain objective, and this isn't helped by the TV host and cameraman thinking they're funny and laughing at each other's remarks. But, there is one gem that fans of films like the Blood Island series should find amusing.

The horror connection in Thirt3en Erotic Ghosts is pretty dubious. The ghosts do fuck all. No wait, they fuck, that's all. The film is classified as an 'Erotic Drama' on the DVD spine. Wrong on both counts.
The movie is shot on video. That's no longer an immediate statement of quality, with things like the new Star Wars entering the equation. Thirt3en Erotic Ghosts isn't Boarding House, but it's not 28 Days Later, either. The movie is clearly shot on video, but it looks to be supervideo. The movie is presented letterboxed. This is odd because obviously it wouldn't be shot letterboxed, and even if it was, the transfer is 4:3 so the letterboxing is pointless. Images are mostly clear, but blacks easily get lost in darker backgrounds. There is some hazing near the top matte.
Audio is listed as 'Dolby 5.1 2 Channels', but it's actually 2.0 channels. The sound mix is horrid. Sound FX are way over the top and distracting, including simple things like the sound of a slap. The score is like a mix of the worst of Danny Elfman and an awful porn soundtrack. Dialog is muddled and the volume jumps and when it does the sound distorts. There're also flubbed lines. I always wonder about those being left in on a shot on video production.
Extra Features
Listed on the sleeve are a trailer and 'Music on Main Selection Menu.' There's not a trailer, but I guess there is indeed music playing when accessing the main menu. Yippee.
The Verdict
At 71 minutes, which includes a seven minute end credit sequence featuring maybe one minute of bloopers and behind the scenes footage, Thirt3en Erotic Ghosts is 60 minutes overlong. It's unfortunate that DP Gary Graver, the man behind the insane Blood Hunger (later renamed Reservoir Cats to cash in on a certain film's success), didn't contribute some truly wacked ideas. Humping a hunchback's hump may have been the very thing Thirt3en Erotic Ghosts needed. On a positive note, for once the publicity department was entirely honest with the tagline, 'You'll wish you were dead!' I sure did.
Movie Score
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