Double Agent 73 (1973)
By: J.R. McNamara on July 29, 2005  |  Comments  |  Bookmark and Share
Siren Visual Entertainment (Australia). All Regions, NTSC. 4:3. English 2.0. 72 minutes
The Movie
Director: Doris Wishman
Starring:Chesty Morgan, Frank Silvano, Saul Meth, Jill Harris
Screenplay: Doris Wishman
Music: Cine Top
Tagline:Watch out for the booby traps...they're loaded!
Country: USA
Seventies porno. Most fans of film know what you are talking about when you describe something in this way. Mismatched paisley outfits, unreasonably high hoof-heeled shoes, moustaches…you know the kind, single sets redressed to give the appearance of multiple locations and scenes that culminate in good old fashion he-in' and she-in'. Now take those good old days of porn and remove the money shot and replace it with unfeasibly large breasts...that have a camera in them…and a bomb.

Produced and Directed by Doris Wishman (Deadly Weapons), Double Agent 73 is the story of secret agent Jane (Chesty Morgan), who is assigned to infiltrate a drug ring and to find its leader. They have the name of the boss, Toplar, and a description given by the dying Agent 100…face, scar. She has a mission, to kill and photograph every body in the cartel with her concealed camera, which has been hidden in her left breast and requires a squeeze to activate, but wait, in case of capture the camera has a bomb in it…yes…it is BOOBY-TRAPPED!!

Even by indie pics standards of the seventies this is tragic. This film could be used as a guide to show directors and editors why they should not drink on the job. Out of focus shots are linked with extreme focused shots, whole scenes are done with static cameras that wait for the characters to walk into shot, not to mention the several occasions that you can clearly see the cameraman's shadow (attention filmmakers, do not place your lighting rig BEHIND the cameraman). What really takes the cake is the dubbing. It seems all the sound was put in later, as the actors look like they are being told what to do by someone behind the camera, and almost all of them look in that direction or directly at the camera. Almost none of the dialogue matches the mouths, some lines are said twice and the sound effects are hilarious. Fans of stock lounge music will be greatly entertained by the array of tunes on this disc. I must also say that a high speed car chase scene can NOT be filmed at the speed limit and then sped up.

Now please do not get me wrong, I enjoy bad movies, but even I had trouble sitting all the way through this one. The only thing that kept me watching were the great big large pendulous breasts, that kept me hypnotized, and amazed that this woman could walk upright.
The cover claims digitally remastered so I can only imagine what the original print was like. Washed out color, scratches and other imperfections are blatantly clear, maybe it was just these imperfections that were remastered. This feature, and its extras, are in an unspectacular 4:3.
Stereo sound to excite the fans of bad dialogue and stock lounge music. Each sound effect is crisp and stands out, in some cases weirdly, like the girl brushing her hair to what sounds like a carrot going through a cheese grater. Lots of stock sound effects, especially in the car chase scene, and every line of poorly written talk is clear and ridiculous.
Extra Features
The extras start off with trailers for both Double Agent 73 and Deadly Weapons, which astonishingly make the films look better than they actually are. There is a slideshow of Doris Wishman's earlier nudie-cuties, like Nude on the Moon, Blaze Starr Goes Wild and others, including posters, lobby cards and one-sheets. This slideshow has no musical accompaniment but is an interesting look at the way these movies were advertised. The real gem in these extras is the seven and a half minute black and white documentary The Big Big Bust. This doco is about Tempest Storm, burlesque legend, having her breasts forever remembered in plaster. This doco is both historical in that you see Tempest out of her burlesque surrounding and creepy in the way the twenty or so photographers are all whispering to each other about her being topless in front of them. The hilarious thing about this doco is the Troy Maclure style voiceover.
The Verdict
An insult to both cinemaphiles and DVD connoisseurs alike, this disc features a main character who spends almost all of the movie topless, and can I just say by the end I was praying that her shirt would stay on (I can't believe I just said that). Interesting only to those who love the fashion crimes and tackiness of independent movies of the seventies, this disc is poor in both quality and content.
Movie Score
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