Cover Art

Credits

Director: Allan W. Steeve Starring:Burt Altman, Sylvia Solar, Gerard Lemaire, Pamela Stanford Screenplay: H.L. Rostaine Music: Jean Jacques Lemeztre Tagline: Deep In The Jungle, The Flesh-Eaters Are Waiting! Country:Spain/France AKA:Terreur Cannibale; Terror Caníbal

Cannibal Terror's plot (yeah, right) would go something like this - prepare to be stunned by the originality of it all. Mario and Roberto are thieves, not especially good ones though, so a swift career change is in order before they starve to death. The clueless pair decide to try their hand at kidnapping, so with the help of a busty female companion, they kidnap a young girl with the bright idea of making a financial killing from her wealthy parents. Needless to say, this grand plan also goes tits-up (in the most ridiculous way imaginable) and the three of them, with the little girl in tow, scoot off to the safety (or so they think) of a friend's house in the jungle, (well, some wasteland somewhere really but hey, it has trees - it's close enough.) The journey to their friend's house isn't entirely uneventful though, as you might expect with a film like this. Pretty soon their female guide unwisely decides to ignore her own warnings to 'stay on the track', as this is 'cannibal country', and dives into the bushes to get some water for the overheating radiator on her jeep. Ooops. She is promptly despatched, in a welter of pig's innards, by a bunch of loons that the filmmakers attempt to pass off as cannibals. The kidnappers, (with the little girl still tagging along), finally arrive at their destination and make themselves at home. Mario makes himself a little too much at home by raping their host's wife - probably not the greatest way to repay someone's hospitality I would have thought. A little revenge is therefore in order, so Mario is tied up in the 'jungle' by his none too pleased host and left to the mercy of the cannibals. Meanwhile, word has got to the little girl's parents of her whereabouts, so they hop on a plane to fetch their daughter, forcing the remaining kidnappers to flee further into the jungle and deeper into 'cannibal country' in an attempt to evade them. I'm sure you can guess the rest...

I won't beat around the jungle, err, sorry - bush here. Cannibal Terror is bollocks. It really is drivel of the lowest order. Thoroughly inept in every single department, this is undoubtedly one of the worst films I have ever seen which, considering some of the garbage I have had the misfortune of sitting through, is quite an achievement. I really don't know where to start with regards to telling you all what's wrong with this film, (although the word 'everything' springs quickly to mind.) For a start the film exhibits a complete lack of skill and effort from everyone behind the camera. It drags along at a snail's pace with scenes of the characters trudging aimlessly through the jungle testing the viewers patience on numerous occasions. Scenes start and end with jarring chops and cheesy fades - edited with a hacksaw perhaps? The soundtrack started to get on my nerves after about two seconds with an appalling music score, a dreadful 'jungle noise' soundtrack and a ludicrous English dub which had me convinced the two main characters' voices had been dubbed by Cheech and Chong. Plot? Yep, that's bollocks as well - see above. Atrocious dubbing aside, the performances infront of the camera are also bottom of the barrel, (did you really expect anything else?) The characters roam around aimlessly, staring into the distance/at the floor with vacant looks on their faces for most of the runtime. If these blank facial expressions were the results of 'what the hell am I doing here?' thoughts going through their heads, then I might forgive them, but somehow I doubt it. Hey, all this aside, the film still has cannibals in it. You can't goof up when playing a cannibal can you? You betcha can. The gut-munchers here are a ridiculous looking mob - fat, white dudes plastered in face paint who grin their heads off while dancing around the fire or chomping on pig's innards. One of them sports sideburns and a quiff that would make Elvis weep at it's Brylcreem fuelled splendour, while some of them wear clearly visible Y-fronts under their cannibal gear. On the plus side, one of the females obliges with a full-frontal nude scene which stirred me from my slumber, but that's the only half-hearted attempt at something good to say that I can come up with. Oh, I did get one laugh out of it, (just the one mind.) Keep a look out for the scene where the husband calls the cannibals to feast on Mario. His method of attracting their attention is priceless….he whistles them, just like you would summon your pet dog…

Some of you may still be tempted to add this disgrace of a film to your collection - justifying such silly thoughts with something like; 'Hey, Zombie Holocaust has bad acting, lousy direction and all the other stuff mentioned above and I love that film!' True words. I love Zombie Holocaust as well, plus Nights Of Terror (for example) is a personal favourite of mine but these are 'good-bad' films. These flicks have a healthy dollop of cheese and grue to lift them out of the gutter and up to the top of the tree as far as corny entertainment value goes. Yes they're ridiculous, but we love them all the more for it. Cannibal Terror has no such qualities and therefore should be consigned to the trash can as soon as possible. Better still, just leave the damn thing in the shop and spend your money on something more worthwhile.

Screen Entertainment must be applauded for the quality of the transfer provided, as what is on offer here is of a good standard, considering the zero budget nature of the film in question. I sincerely hope they select something more worthwhile for their future releases though.

There you have it - Cannibal Terror, the worst cannibal flick ever and, quite possibly, the worst movie I have ever seen. Luckily for me, the compatibility issue with my player has given me a get-out clause. Sometimes hardware glitches can be a good thing…

'Hello, Mister shop-keeper. This disc won't play. Can I have my money back please?'

'Certainly Sir. We are sorry for the inconvenience.'