Biker Zombies From Detroit (2001)
By: Craig Villinger  |  Comments  |  Bookmark and Share
DVD
Dead Alive Productions (USA). All Regions, NTSC. 1.85:1 (Non-anamorphic). English 2.0. 75 minutes
The Movie
Credits
Director: Todd Brunswick
Starring: Tyrus Woodson, Jillian Buckshaw, Joshua Allan, Rob Roth Jeffrey Michael, John Anton, Hope Kapture, Danny Ray Cook, Jason Waugh
Screenplay: John Kerfoot
Country: USA
Tagline: Evil Never Looked So Bad!
AKA: Biker Zombies
Something has awakened, something ancient and evil that is hell bent on reclaiming the mean streets of Detroit that it once called home. Naturally, to do this it will need a small army of undead soldiers consisting of the lowest forms of degenerate criminal scum, who are recruited to form a group that will forever be know as The Biker Zombies From Detroit. These aren't your ordinary garden variety flesh eating zombies however. No, these guys seem more interested in slapping their victims around a little and removing their heads, keeping them as trophies in the style of The Predator. With members that include a prostitute who liked to give her clients a little more than they bargained for, and a leather clad leader who was fond of having sex with dead women prior to becoming one of the walking dead himself, this group of zombies sets out on a killing spree that will bring the city of Detroit to its knees and allow the mysterious evil force to reign supreme.

In stark contrast to the violent city streets is the quiet town of Grosse Point, where "try hard" biker Ken and his mum have just moved to for reasons they appear to be keeping to themselves. In a polite and neighbourly gesture, Ken introduces himself to the local "Rich Boy" biker group which consists of pretty boys Chad, Fritz, and Scott, but is laughed at because of his crappy off-road motorcycle (and possibly because of his hair style as well). Taking it all in his stride, cool Ken is soon enough putting the moves on local coffee shop girl Courtney, who appears to be attracted to him despite the presence of said hairstyle, and a whirlwind romance ensues. This earns Ken a place in the bad books of the pretty boy bikers, as main man Chad also had his eye on buxom Courtney, but was rebuffed despite using his patented seduction technique of whipping out his wedding tackle and uttering the line "You think this hog is gonna smoke itself?". Soon, revenge is on the cards, and after bumping into the peeved biker boys at a local hard rock club, the lads all take to their motorcycles and embark upon a high speed chase through the suburban streets. No doubt this chase would have culminated in a violent beating for poor Ken had he been captured, but unfortunately for him his attempts to hide from his pursuers land him in the clutches of the Biker Zombies, who are spreading their carnage and mayhem to the suburbs and are on the lookout for new recruits. Ken is quickly inducted into their ranks courtesy of a crowbar through the chest, but instead of joining in on their undead shenanigans, he prowls the streets on his motorcycle with his own agenda while the Biker Zombies move further ahead with their plans for a zombie induced Armageddon. If my general summary has created the appearance of a cohesive and well plotted movie then I apologize, as that would be misleading. When sitting down to watch a film with the words "zombies" and "biker" in the title, one should obviously not have high expectations, and it is fair to say that my own personal expectations for this viewing experience were low. Very, very low. Unfortunately however, they were not nearly low enough. Biker Zombies From Detroit boasts production values that would make your average Andreas Schnaas jaunt look almost "Cameron-esque" in scope by comparison, with some of the worst attempts at acting I have seen in recent memory, a non-existent plot, and dialogue that is so nauseating I felt compelled to reach for a vomit bag on more than one occasion. In fairness, I should have been expecting this from a film with such a title, so complaining about it now is perhaps a little harsh, but one thing I was expecting was excessive blood and gore, and lots of it. What I got instead was a couple of blood squirts here and there and two severed heads that would have caused the guys from KNB to laugh out loud. The makers of this film couldn't even rustle up enough cash for some blank ammunition, so instead we are treated to dodgy FX shots on the few occasions that gunfire is actually called for. If pressed to find at least one positive aspect to this film, I would probably say that the zombies looked interesting enough, however we hardly get a chance to see them anyway as the film is more concerned with romance and endless scenes of talking heads where the characters say the words "dude" and "fuck" with alarming regularity.

To say that Biker Zombies From Detroit is the worst movie I have ever seen would perhaps be an over-exaggeration, however anything less would not carry quite as much gravity. For me, the worst sin a movie can commit is to be boring, and Biker Zombies From Detroit had me bored to tears. The fact that I required four separate sittings to get through the relatively short seventy five minute running time speaks volumes. Oh, and by the way, I scribbled down at least a quarter of this review while sitting on the dunny bowl and had more fun than I did while watching the movie in question. Somehow, I feel that information is relevant.
Video
In an attempt to add a cinematic touch to the movie, Biker Zombies From Detroit is presented in a letterboxed 1.85:1 aspect ratio which naturally does not have the benefit of anamorphic enhancement. The image is extremely soft, with drab colours and virtually no attention to shadow detail. On occasions (particularly during the films night time sequences) the haze was almost impenetrable, and more than once I found myself wondering what exactly it was that I was supposed to be looking at. Of course, since the movie was shot on DV the image quality was never going to be outstanding, but this is still a very ordinary looking transfer.
Audio
Discussing the audio quality of this DVD is perhaps a waste of time, as the original audio track was obviously so poor that even the biggest production houses in the world would be hard pressed to make it sound decent. Dialogue is occasionally hard to understand, and a great deal of the sound effects are simply terrible. It actually sounds as though most of the films audio was recorded using the cameras own on board microphone, so if you are looking for an outstanding aural experience, go someplace else. A couple of the hard rock tunes used in the film sounded quite acceptable, but this is generally a below average audio track.
Extra Features
Not surprisingly, extras are limited to a trailer and a brief photo gallery. Chapter Selection is something that most people don't even count as an extra these days, however this disc can't even lay claim to that minor supplement, with absolutely no chapter stops to be seen. Unimpressive.
The Verdict
Biker Zombies From Detroit took seventy five minutes from my life that in retrospect would have been utilized more effectively by trimming my nasal hairs. On a more positive note, it is good to see such obscure, low budget horror films being released on DVD, however there are no doubt far better movies than this one just waiting to be unleashed onto the digital domain. Dead Alive Productions are obviously banking on the fact that many fans (suckers?) will buy this disc on the basis of its title alone, and kudos must go to them. It worked with me. Learn from my mistake however folks, and stay away from this horrendous effort.
Movie Score
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