8 "Jason vs" Movies We'd Like to See, But Probably Won't
By: Craig Villinger on October 8, 2009 | Comments
Jason vs... Who?With the outrageous box office success of the recent Friday the 13th remake money hungry Hollywood moguls are no doubt stepping over their own Grandmothers to get another Jason movie into production, but rather than go the predictable route of having Jason kill off another bunch of attractive teens in a woodsy environment I'd like to use my position as an insignificant internet scribbler to propose something different. Sure, we all know Freddy vs Jason wasn't a particularly good movie, but I believe the "Jason vs" concept still has a lot of potential, and with a new audience of millions just gagging for Jason's next adventure there may never been a better time to give it another shot!

Of course, the obvious concepts would be something like Jason vs Leatherface or Jason vs Michael Myers or Jason vs Leprechaun or Jason vs Chucky, but I say no, forget that. We've already seen Jason go up against another equally matched horror icon, and it didn't really work. That idea is old. We need to think outside the box here people. Yes, the audience wants Jason to go up against a face they recognize, but they also need to think they are getting something fresh and original, so why not take Jason out of the horror genre and put him up against someone or something unexpected?

Since original ideas are in short supply over in Hollywood these days I've taken the liberty of pitching eight ideas for "Jason vs" movies that I'd pay good money to see, and I invite anyone from Hollywood to steal any or all of them.

Jason vs GodzillaJason vs Godzilla

After exhausting all other avenues with little success the American government decides to rid the world of Jason once and for all by dropping an A-Bomb on his ass. Instead of killing him however the atomic radiation causes Jason to swell to gynormous size, and his killing spree goes global as he proceeds to stomp his way through major cities across the planet. Soon after arriving in Japan howevver the Big J gets more than he bargained for when the the Big G rises from the watery depths to defend his territory.

Seriously, Jason with a hint of Japanese flavour? It can't lose! Roland Emmerich won't be going anywhere near this one though, you can bet on that. It'll be men in rubber suits all the way.

The winner? In true Godzilla fashion there will be no clear victor, though both combatants will be licking some serious wounds when they go their separate ways at the end.

Jason vs RamboJason vs Rambo

Rambo is back. Jason is back. This one's a no-brainer folks.

Picking up not long after the previous Rambo flick, a bunch of American do-gooder's return to Burma to help the sick and injured, believing that every single Burmese bad guy has been blow off the face of the planet (and after seeing the final fifteen minutes of Rambo can you fucking blame them?) Soon enough however they fall into the clutches of another child molesting Burmese general, and it's up to Rambo to bail them out once again. As Rambo and a group of mercs work their way through the jungle from one side of the country a military transport plane carrying the body of Jason Voorhees crashes on the other, and the two parties find themselves on course for an explosive final act collision at the hostage location, cutting a path through thousands of genocidal Burmese soldiers as they go.

The winner? Rambo's leathery pecs can only withstand so many hits from Jason's mighty machete, but just when things are looking grim our all American hero commandeers a 50 caliber machine gun and systematically disintegrates his opponent, reducing Jason to a pile of steaming bits and pieces. Fret not though folks, it takes more than total obliteration to keep Jason down, and he'll be back together again in time for his next encounter...

Jason vs RockyJason vs Rocky

Hey, Sly dug up his two most popular characters for back-to-back hits once, so why can't he do it again?

Still not feeling as though he's proved his worth after holding his own in the ring against a heavyweight boxing champion half his age in Rocky Balboa, the Italian Stallion decides to put himself to the ultimate test by preparing for a televised charity bout with history's most prolific masked slasher.

The winner? Rocky may be one of boxing's all time greats, but if we learned anything from Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan it's that the Crystal Lake slugger is no slouch in the boxing department himself. Unfortunately there will be no more comeback bouts for Rocky after this encounter.

Jason vs The MuseumJason vs The Museum

OK, stay with me here folks. As we attempt to resurrect the "Jason vs" concept there's no doubt that at some point we'll be pressured to pitch a "PG-13" Jason flick by the studios, so this is my Plan B pitch if every other idea is shot down.

A bumbling security guard scores a job at a famed Museum, but quickly discovers that the exhibits come to life at night! This proves to be particularly problematic as one of the newest exhibits just happens to be the masked body of you know who. Given another lease on life, Jason quickly wages war on world history, hacking up skeletal dinosaurs and miniature plastic armies with gay abandon, and our hapless guard must work with the rest of the re-animated exhibits to put Crystal Lake's most famous relic back in the grave before the museums valued treasures are reduced to little more than kindling.

The winner? Since this is a PG-13 flick evil can not prevail, but with the the bumbling security guard sure to lose his job and the Museum facing certain closure after the destruction of much of its precious inventory, the victors will have little to celebrate.

Jason vs ActiongirlsJason vs Actiongirls

Those top-shelf stunner's from the net's most renowned girls with guns website make the leap from your computer monitor to the big screen! Surely oodles of full frontal female nudity is the perfect way to cleanse the pallet after the family friendly shenanigans above? And we all know Jason loves them naked boobies...

The plot? What plot? In true Actiongirls tradition there would be no discernible story here – just a collection of random scenes featuring hotter than hot hotties stripping naked in post-apocalyptic locations, rubbing oil on their naughty bits, and firing various weapons into thin air. Oh yeah, and Jason might pop in every now and then to get his ass kicked too.

The winner? Their oiled-up naked bodies will make them hard to get a hold of, and with an unlimited arsenal of military surplus weaponry at their disposal the Actiongirls are sure to come out on top!

Jason vs HitlerJason vs Hitler

We've already seen Jason in the future, so why not in the past? A trip back through time could easily be explained in the opening scene by having Jason stumble into some sort of newly invented time machine while stalking victims in the futuristic Jason X environment.

This movie will tell the real story of how the Allies won World War II as Jason proves that he is the master race by singlehandedly wiping out the Nazi's. Not even the Red Baron will be safe from Jason's blade!

The Winner? After seeing the unstoppable masked killing machine slice his way through the Wehrmacht, the Reichmarine, the Luftwaffe and the Schutzstaffel, Hitler takes the cowards way out by shooting himself in the head. Jason wins, by default.

Jason vs JesusJason vs Jesus

Insulting? Yes. Blasphemous? No doubt. A god damn good movie concept? You better believe it!

The second coming of Christ doesn't go as planned when Jesus and his disciples roll into Crystal Lake looking to wow the locals with a few miracles, but instead find themselves smack bang in the middle of another Voorhees bloodbath! Sure, Jesus can turn water into wine, but it'll take more than a few glasses of vino to help the counselors of Crystal Lake, especially when Jason can turn their water into blood!

Just when you thought it couldn't get any wackier than the "Jason vs The Chick With Telekinetic Powers" showdown in Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, the masked one comes face-to-face with an adversary of far greater skill! We'll have our work cut for us making this more violent than Mel Gibson's Jesus movie though, that's for sure.

The winner? Hey, we're probably going to hell for simply talking about this concept, so we might as well go down in style by showing Jesus getting every inch of his divine butt kicked good and proper. Also, in a moment of delicious irony we'll point out the fact that Jason was revived by a bolt of lightning from the heavens in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives, so in a way, God brought this tussle onto the world.

Jason vs NeighboursJason vs Neighbours

Everybody needs good neighbours, right? Screw that – it's high time this droning soapie was put out of it's misery, and Jason is just the man for the job!

Take one corny community cut off from the rest of the world due to inclement weather, then add Jason to the mix, and the story writes itself. Who wouldn't want to see those wholesome prats put out of their misery? Preferably Jason will arrive during some sort of Ramsey Street reunion that will allow us to bring back many of the shows more famous faces, including Scott and Charlene (come on, Kylie did Cut, she she shouldn't be too difficult to rope in).

The winner? Rest assured, every one of Ramsey Street's denizens will die a nasty death here. Be warned though, while "Jason" does emerge the winner, the loser may very well be you, the viewer, when in a twist inspired by Friday the 13th: A New Beginning the killers mask will come off to reveal the face of Harold Bishop, who had been bottling up his bitter resentment of Ramsey Street's various tragedies for years and finally snapped. Or something.

So, those are my ideas. If you've got something to add please post a comment below. Who knows... together, we could create the next genre masterpiece! Or not.

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